With my imminent return to life in Europe, I've been reflecting on the past decade's new chances, its reckonings, losses and grief, and all the ways in which I know my bloom is still unfolding.
So much of this resonates with me, Amy. I am seeing both a mirror and an inspiration in you. I especially enjoyed the peek into your journal-there is profundity there.
It is a joy to witness the arc of your story of becoming-and yes, unbecoming. Having just turned 60, I feel this journey even more.
Like you, the pandemic was the catalyst for me putting my marriage to an end-it was less a tragic death and more a relieving euthanasia-for both of us. I related to the questions you were asking yourself leading up to your asking for a divorce and admire your courage to make a difficult change-many want to, but are too afraid to (as I bet you hear, I as I do, from those who are either questioning their long term marriage or wanting to leave it).
Unlike you, my mother had long died before my marriage did. When my father passed in 2001 at just 66, my mother became a despondent, depressed, lonely widow. She lived just a few minutes from me and I did all I could, while also raising my then 1 and 4 year old girls, to take care of her, from having her to dinner often, visiting her in her home near daily, accompanying her to doctor appointments and becoming her medical advocate, at her request.
Only now, as I face being 60 and single and eventually living alone again once my daughter graduates from PT assistant school, do I feel I can truly empathize with how lonely my mother must have been; how frightened she must have felt to live alone for the first time in her late 60s. She was a rare woman who was still in love with my father when he died. Despite having us 7 kids and over a dozen grandchildren, she confided in me that she had no desire to stick around to see them all grow up-she ached to be with her one and only love-my father. While this sounds so romantic, I was at once somewhat horrified and also judgmental. I could not fathom it, having never loved my then husband, now ex, as she loved my father. My mother had a stroke at 73 in 2008 and though she was in the hospital for three weeks and was never conscious again, she not survive it. Losing my mother was the portal to a grief I did not let myself feel -and did not even know I was not feeling-and it came out sideways a year or so later, in binge drinking and in other damaging, addictive behaviors.
I admire how you have accepted your journey and all the detours, especially the one where you unexpectedly and suddenly became a caregiver to your mother. She sounds like a truly special woman. I was so moved my this sentence, it gave me goosebumps:
"My sister and brother and I, her granddaughters, friends and extended family—we all recognized the essence of this woman we loved, and that is all that matters."
May this next chapter of moving to Barcelona be one in which you dis-cover and un-cpver even more of your true essence, Amy, and I look forward to reading about it here. Buen Viaje!
Rosemary, thank you so very much for engaging with this essay and my reflections with your own hard-earned wisdom. I see many similarities in our journeys, the need for a divorce that became a question/call to action that would not cease, the being alone at this stage of life, wondering what might be next and if that "next" will include a special someone. I appreciated learning more about your mother and how widowhood affected her--and by extension, you, in caring for her in her depression and loneliness. Grief is such a complicated thing, isn't it, continuing to unravel (and unravel us) through the years, even long after the person's death. I think the bravest thing is to face it all, whatever feelings the grief brings, so we can move through it.
Thank you for your well wishes for my new chapter in Barcelona and I am so glad you will join our call tomorrow!
"You are becoming and at the same time you are the woman you were meant to be all along. Can you hold that contradiction in your mind, in your heart?"
What a beautiful prompt from Unconditional Love! Your last few years in Florida have been a journey where you learned to hold in your chest this fantastic contradiction, and all the "crazy, wonderful, surprising, challenging gift[s] of being human."
Freda would have been so proud of you for spreading your wings and flying to a new destination where you will step fully into your bloom. May your mother's spirit protect and bless you on this upcoming journey and all the awesome adventures that await you in Europe. I look forward to visiting you when the time comes.
P.S. Lovely and contemplative composition by Esteban. I enjoyed listening to his piano performance.
Louisa, thank you for seeing my heart and soul as lovingly and clearly as you always do. This note brought tears to my eyes, especially the mention of my mother and her spirit protecting and blessing me on this next part of my life's journey. I appreciate you so much, soul bestie.
Your spirit is boundless, Amy. Go set sail and fly. Spread those wings in Barcelona and know that you absolutely earned it. The way you write through and about your becoming has continuously inspired me. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you so much Allison, for your constant support. I am so grateful to know I have inspired you just as you do for me. I believe anyone can fly, spread their wings, try new adventures in this life, sometimes without leaving one's home, neighborhood, community. For me, though, the great loves of my life--my daughters--live across the ocean as you know so I've got to fly to them.
"The beauty of this wonderful, surprising, challenging gift of being human is that the Becoming--if we're lucky enough to be aware of it, to own it, to wear it proudly--is all there ever is and ever will be. That is the delight of Earth School, baby: one long delicious Season of Becoming." Yes – becoming is living! So excited for you, Amy!
I love how your music selections allow us to follow your journey through music. Esteban's composition is so contemplative and lovely. Thank you for sharing it!
Thank you Tracey, I am so glad that my voice of love spoke to you as well, and since it is universal, isn't that always the way? So glad you appreciated Esteban's music. He is just starting to publish his original music so your comment will make him so happy.
"Fly! Be free"..."You've earned it, sweetie." Yes! I'm embracing all of your beautiful words as I settle into my new life in Austin...on my own terms, in my own space, breathing easy for the first time in years!
Vanessa, thank you. We are both spreading our wings in this Second Half of Life, exactly as we are and the lives we want to live. It takes courage and determination but I know there is joy ahead for both of us. I look forward to speaking soon!
You continue to inspire me Amy! I will stop in Barcelona for 4-5 days around august 20-26 if you are around we can catch up for coffee! :) soak life in!
Imola, thank you for saying so. Ah, that is too bad about the timing as I will be back in the United States during the month of August for friends' and family reunions. Next time, I hope!
Becoming, developing, turning a fresh page every day. That is how we live. This is a glorious essay. Thank you. I named my own Substack Becoming because that is the most important part of my living. I was the oldest child, the responsible child, the one who tried to take care of my mother. I did not succeed as well as you did, but that is another story, my story.
Fran, I love the name of your Substack and all you write here is so appreciated. "Becoming is the most important part of living." How beautifully said. How true. We do have much in common. And I know that stories of mothers and daughters run the entire range of the human condition--your heart led you to strive for caretaking, and that is what matters.
Thank you. My mother was not easy. She thought my husband was trying to poison her. And my multiple sclerosis kept me from being as present as I wish I had been.
Laura, I hope you'll join the Zoom call on Feb 4 then, for paid subscribers where I'll answer any and all questions with the help of my daughter who writes the substack The Adventure Agenda, a resident of Barcelona for a year and who has lived in 3 other European countries. I will be writing about the move and life in Barcelona for all my readers but the practical, behind-the-scenes insights and guidance is an extra I'll be offering starting this year.
So much of this resonates with me, Amy. I am seeing both a mirror and an inspiration in you. I especially enjoyed the peek into your journal-there is profundity there.
It is a joy to witness the arc of your story of becoming-and yes, unbecoming. Having just turned 60, I feel this journey even more.
Like you, the pandemic was the catalyst for me putting my marriage to an end-it was less a tragic death and more a relieving euthanasia-for both of us. I related to the questions you were asking yourself leading up to your asking for a divorce and admire your courage to make a difficult change-many want to, but are too afraid to (as I bet you hear, I as I do, from those who are either questioning their long term marriage or wanting to leave it).
Unlike you, my mother had long died before my marriage did. When my father passed in 2001 at just 66, my mother became a despondent, depressed, lonely widow. She lived just a few minutes from me and I did all I could, while also raising my then 1 and 4 year old girls, to take care of her, from having her to dinner often, visiting her in her home near daily, accompanying her to doctor appointments and becoming her medical advocate, at her request.
Only now, as I face being 60 and single and eventually living alone again once my daughter graduates from PT assistant school, do I feel I can truly empathize with how lonely my mother must have been; how frightened she must have felt to live alone for the first time in her late 60s. She was a rare woman who was still in love with my father when he died. Despite having us 7 kids and over a dozen grandchildren, she confided in me that she had no desire to stick around to see them all grow up-she ached to be with her one and only love-my father. While this sounds so romantic, I was at once somewhat horrified and also judgmental. I could not fathom it, having never loved my then husband, now ex, as she loved my father. My mother had a stroke at 73 in 2008 and though she was in the hospital for three weeks and was never conscious again, she not survive it. Losing my mother was the portal to a grief I did not let myself feel -and did not even know I was not feeling-and it came out sideways a year or so later, in binge drinking and in other damaging, addictive behaviors.
I admire how you have accepted your journey and all the detours, especially the one where you unexpectedly and suddenly became a caregiver to your mother. She sounds like a truly special woman. I was so moved my this sentence, it gave me goosebumps:
"My sister and brother and I, her granddaughters, friends and extended family—we all recognized the essence of this woman we loved, and that is all that matters."
May this next chapter of moving to Barcelona be one in which you dis-cover and un-cpver even more of your true essence, Amy, and I look forward to reading about it here. Buen Viaje!
Rosemary, thank you so very much for engaging with this essay and my reflections with your own hard-earned wisdom. I see many similarities in our journeys, the need for a divorce that became a question/call to action that would not cease, the being alone at this stage of life, wondering what might be next and if that "next" will include a special someone. I appreciated learning more about your mother and how widowhood affected her--and by extension, you, in caring for her in her depression and loneliness. Grief is such a complicated thing, isn't it, continuing to unravel (and unravel us) through the years, even long after the person's death. I think the bravest thing is to face it all, whatever feelings the grief brings, so we can move through it.
Thank you for your well wishes for my new chapter in Barcelona and I am so glad you will join our call tomorrow!
I loved listening to this essay and how vulnerable you were sharing about Mom. It brought a few tears to my eyes..
I love you my sweet sister 💗
"You are becoming and at the same time you are the woman you were meant to be all along. Can you hold that contradiction in your mind, in your heart?"
What a beautiful prompt from Unconditional Love! Your last few years in Florida have been a journey where you learned to hold in your chest this fantastic contradiction, and all the "crazy, wonderful, surprising, challenging gift[s] of being human."
Freda would have been so proud of you for spreading your wings and flying to a new destination where you will step fully into your bloom. May your mother's spirit protect and bless you on this upcoming journey and all the awesome adventures that await you in Europe. I look forward to visiting you when the time comes.
P.S. Lovely and contemplative composition by Esteban. I enjoyed listening to his piano performance.
Louisa, thank you for seeing my heart and soul as lovingly and clearly as you always do. This note brought tears to my eyes, especially the mention of my mother and her spirit protecting and blessing me on this next part of my life's journey. I appreciate you so much, soul bestie.
🤗😘🫶❤️💗
I'm happy for you, Amy! Enjoy everything.
Thank you Susan, for reading and stopping in here to comment. I intend to enjoy this next chapter to the fullest.
Wish I was going with you!
Your spirit is boundless, Amy. Go set sail and fly. Spread those wings in Barcelona and know that you absolutely earned it. The way you write through and about your becoming has continuously inspired me. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Thank you so much Allison, for your constant support. I am so grateful to know I have inspired you just as you do for me. I believe anyone can fly, spread their wings, try new adventures in this life, sometimes without leaving one's home, neighborhood, community. For me, though, the great loves of my life--my daughters--live across the ocean as you know so I've got to fly to them.
Look forward to reading about your adventures in Europe and to the zoom calls on the first Tuesdays of the month!
That makes me so happy. I am glad you'll be there. Can;'t wait to see you in Sweden sometime this year, hopefully for midsummer!
"The beauty of this wonderful, surprising, challenging gift of being human is that the Becoming--if we're lucky enough to be aware of it, to own it, to wear it proudly--is all there ever is and ever will be. That is the delight of Earth School, baby: one long delicious Season of Becoming." Yes – becoming is living! So excited for you, Amy!
I love how your music selections allow us to follow your journey through music. Esteban's composition is so contemplative and lovely. Thank you for sharing it!
Thank you Tracey, I am so glad that my voice of love spoke to you as well, and since it is universal, isn't that always the way? So glad you appreciated Esteban's music. He is just starting to publish his original music so your comment will make him so happy.
"Fly! Be free"..."You've earned it, sweetie." Yes! I'm embracing all of your beautiful words as I settle into my new life in Austin...on my own terms, in my own space, breathing easy for the first time in years!
Vanessa, thank you. We are both spreading our wings in this Second Half of Life, exactly as we are and the lives we want to live. It takes courage and determination but I know there is joy ahead for both of us. I look forward to speaking soon!
What a beautiful post. Thank you. I am impressed by your courage and grit.
Thank you Lisa for the kind words; it means so much!
Will the zoom calls be recorded for those unable to attend?
Absolutely, for paid subscribers.
Amy, I’m very excited for you in this next chapter
Thank you Sally for your support and to sharing this like-minded journey of discovery with you in our 50s, 60s and beyond.
You continue to inspire me Amy! I will stop in Barcelona for 4-5 days around august 20-26 if you are around we can catch up for coffee! :) soak life in!
Imola, thank you for saying so. Ah, that is too bad about the timing as I will be back in the United States during the month of August for friends' and family reunions. Next time, I hope!
For sure! I will find many more excuses to be back in Europe
That sounds great!
Thank you. ❤️❤️❤️ I needed to read this post this morning.
Awww, thank you for saying that Etta. You and I both know the joys of living in Europe, the inspiration it provides. I am so excited to be returning.
Becoming, developing, turning a fresh page every day. That is how we live. This is a glorious essay. Thank you. I named my own Substack Becoming because that is the most important part of my living. I was the oldest child, the responsible child, the one who tried to take care of my mother. I did not succeed as well as you did, but that is another story, my story.
Fran, I love the name of your Substack and all you write here is so appreciated. "Becoming is the most important part of living." How beautifully said. How true. We do have much in common. And I know that stories of mothers and daughters run the entire range of the human condition--your heart led you to strive for caretaking, and that is what matters.
Thank you. My mother was not easy. She thought my husband was trying to poison her. And my multiple sclerosis kept me from being as present as I wish I had been.
Yes I’d love to learn how to move to Spain. Our lives so similar. I am currently a caregiver.
Laura, I hope you'll join the Zoom call on Feb 4 then, for paid subscribers where I'll answer any and all questions with the help of my daughter who writes the substack The Adventure Agenda, a resident of Barcelona for a year and who has lived in 3 other European countries. I will be writing about the move and life in Barcelona for all my readers but the practical, behind-the-scenes insights and guidance is an extra I'll be offering starting this year.
Thank you ! I was just in Barcelona was so beautiful