When creativity is elusive, be the door, not the doer
For much of my life, creativity and I have been in a struggle. But when I see myself as the portal for what needs to come through me, she and I can lay down our arms and be at peace.
When I was a child, stories came easily to me. The creatures of my imagination would fly in and out, feathering my nest with so much fodder for creative play. I entertained my younger siblings with fanciful stories and delighted myself with made-up worlds populated by my dolls and stuffed animals. Reading my favorite childhood books would stoke the fire even more. When I discovered I could write these stories down, entire universes of possibility opened up inside me.
And then I grew older. When I shared my stories in elementary school, sometimes I was teased and ridiculed. In high school and college, there were teachers who nourished my self-confidence in my writing. But by then, the inner critic had made itself very comfortable in the home of my imagination. Self-judgement and self-criticism were now the largest twigs in the nest. My response was always to try harder, be better, and do more to earn the approval of others, particularly the gatekeepers for my most cherished dream: becoming a published novelist.
And then, in March of 2023, my coach in The Whole Soul Way self-discovery program,
, gifted me a piece of wisdom that had been given to her and it changed everything. It was the idea that I am not the doer. I am the door.
This was an invitation to see myself as a channel, a vessel, a portal for what needs to come through me and out into the world. Birthing a creative work is not something I can “do” into existence. While I can and must expend time and effort and pay close attention to the craft of writing, forcing an outcome will only backfire. I have to let myself simply “be” in the process of creating. In other words, I need to let go. It sounds woo-woo, I know, but I understand and accept the idea that as artists we are co-creating with the universe. There is something evanescent in the act of creating that we can’t pin down by grasping and craving and desperately wanting to will it into being. As
writes in Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear:“The universe buries strange jewels deep within us all, and then stands back to see if we can find them.”
End the war, embrace the magic
It is no coincidence that also in March of 2023, my ex-husband and I finalized the divorce ending our 33-year-marriage. There were many reasons I initiated the end of our union—primarily that after three decades as the mostly sole breadwinner, I was done. But another long-buried yearning was to give my full attention to my creative writing. And while a voice in my ear told me that I couldn’t blame him or my marital circumstances alone on not fulfilling my creative dreams, I knew that by ending us I had a better chance of becoming me—the unfettered, fully alive writer.
It has been a long road to get here. I am not yet a published novelist, but I am confident I will be one day. I have completed three novels and am well into my fourth novel. And for over a year, I have shown up here every week as an essayist. This door I am walking through, held open by Big Magic, is partnering with my close attention to craft. Together we are getting our work done more calmly and happily than ever before. These days I’m not afraid of the fear that takes the form of self-criticism and self-judgement; I befriend fear. As Steven Pressfield writes in The War of Art about breaking through writing blocks:
“Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember our rule of thumb: The more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.
Choosing devotion over discipline
Devotion not discipline guides me. I look at the etymology of those words and understand where I’ve gone wrong. Gaining access to the door is not just about making myself sit and write (although that is part of it). In ancient Latin, devotion is “the act of consecrating a vow,” also “loyalty, fealty, allegience,” and in Church Latin, “devotion to God, piety.”
Discipline, on the other hand, has a fearsome etymology. From 1200, it meant “penitential chastisement; punishment for the sake of correction," from Old French descepline "discipline, physical punishment; teaching; suffering; martyrdom," from the Latin, "treatment that corrects or punishes."
So why on earth wouldn’t I want devotion over discipline? When I regard my writing as a devotional practice, whether here on Substack or in my novels, I am much less likely to intimidate the free flow of ideas, images and characters that shrink in the face of almighty discipline. I think of the prolific author Isabel Allende who has created a ritual for her own devotion to her craft, as described in this interview on her website. I quote it at length because she too writes about a door opening:
On January 8, 1981, I was living in Venezuela and I received a phone call that my beloved grandfather was dying. I began a letter for him that later became my first novel, The House of the Spirits. It was such a lucky book from the very beginning that I kept that lucky date to start. January 8th is a sacred day for me. I come to my office very early in the morning, alone. I light some candles for the spirits and the muses. I meditate for a while. I always have fresh flowers and incense. And I open myself completely to the experience that begins in that moment. I never know exactly what I'm going to write. I may have finished a book months before and may have been planning something, but it has happened already twice that when I sit down at the computer and turn it on, another thing comes out. It is as if I was pregnant with something, an elephant’s pregnancy, something that has been there for a very long time, growing, and then when I am able to relax completely and open myself to the writing, then the real book comes out. I try to write the first sentence in a state of trance, as if somebody else was writing it through me. That first sentence usually determines the whole book. It’s a door that opens to an unknown territory that I have to explore with my characters. And slowly, as I write, the story seems to unfold itself, in spite of me. It just happens.
January 8 happens to be the birthday of my late best friend, who died far too early at the age of 46. We met in college and she was always a fervent champion of my writing. It is one reason that Allende’s creative process is indelible for me and why I also light a candle when I sit down to write, most often in the pre-dawn hours when the door feels most likely to fly right open.
Partnering with my subconscious
Recently I began seducing my muse in a new way through customized hypnosis tracks created by my friend and coach
who writes the Substack . I have never done hypnosis before but I am now seeing the concrete results of partnering with my subconscious in this way. Nicole and I began with a 30-minute call where I answered a series of questions she asked about what I most desired and what limiting beliefs held me back.What rose to the surface was a familiar refrain to get my writing—specifically my current novel—out into the world to find its champion. To push it out the door, in other words. And while I am now in the arena, seeking publication, I wondered, is there be something else I could be doing other than presenting my best work with persistence and determination and the hope for a bit of luck? Yes, she said, there was, which was yet again to “be” in the state of co-creation with the universe: to channel my subconscious towards this vision by listening to specifically crafted hypnosis tracks, for both nighttime and daytime manifestation.
As she knew about my plans to move to Barcelona in February, to a town just outside the city on the Mediterranean coast, she created a beautiful set of tracks in which I could envision myself standing at the edge of the water, and in her beautiful and soothing voice, she helps me visualize the following:
“Imagine yourself standing at the edge of the Mediterranean Sea. Feel the warm sun on your skin, the soft sand beneath your feet, in front of you the waves of the sea roll in, rhythmic and steady, each wave a reminder of the depth and vastness of the creative energy flowing through you. Just like the sea, your creativity is endless, powerful and capable of touching everything around it. As you stand here, you feel the energy of the Mediterranean reminding you of the confidence and value within you.”
For the past month I have been listening to the nighttime meditation every evening as I settle into bed and to the daytime version a few times a week, often before I come to my desk to write. This access into my subconscious seems to be working. For five months, I didn’t touch the manuscript I am ready to introduce to the world. I had been pitching agents since the spring, but it had not yet found its champion. While I wasn’t ready to give up I couldn’t find my usual optimism.
A few days after I began listening to the tracks, I opened the file. I re-entered this world that I had spent three years creating. And I accepted the invitation to do this dance one more time—this dance of reflection, reassessment and revision—before I sent the novel out in the world once again. Thanks to the partnership with my subconscious, a candle had been lit, a door opened—a marriage of presence and persistence.
I am grateful to Nicole for bringing this gift to my artist’s toolbox. If you want to learn more about Nicole’s work and access her free sleep hypnosis track, check out her website here.
Three ways I keep the door open
In Living in 3D I have written often about the four guideposts of my life: clarity, connection, creativity and community. The more I think about it, these essential aspects of my life are threaded together in a beautiful tapestry as I continue to bloom in this sixth decade of life.
So as the final section of this essay, here’s a distillation of what has most helped me to keep the fires burning in my lifelong pursuit of creativity when the conventional rewards of that pursuit remain elusive (i.e., publication, awards, positive reviews, a devoted and large readership, bestsellerdom, whatever “success” means to you).
Be the door not the doer. Remove all the barriers that hold you back from expressing this gift that was given to you. Tip: these barriers are most often in our own minds and require a gentle but firm invitation for the ego to take a nap while you and Creativity play. This may require some deep inner work as it has for me, excavating my childhood for the ways in which certain beliefs about myself became frozen in time, like being valued for what I do and not who I am—in other words, the doer got her praise and approval early on.
Find your writing community. For 35 years, I have been part of (or founded) writing groups with other creatives seeking to improve their craft in an environment of appreciation, encouragement and honest but always kind critique. These writers are my lifeline when it feels like the door is closing. I also have attended many writer’s conferences, festivals, volunteered as a judge for writing competitions, and supported and cheered on the successes of other writers. This is what
means when she talks about literary citizenship.Devote yourself to your craft. The wonderful and frustrating aspect of creative writing is to accept that you are a lifelong student of the craft. Regard this opportunity with devotion not discipline and you will suffer less. I am indebted to
for giving me a beautiful, nurturing online space to light my candle and find my way in the dark toward that door. It offers community and craft, the best of both worlds.
More resources for creativity
For more of my essays on nurturing creativity (and your best life), you may enjoy the following:
On friendship, living our dharma, and the power of a writing community
Playing in the field of our imagination is a survival skill for grownups
Knowing you're ready for the next big leap
For a list of my go-to writing craft books (The Mindful Writer by Dinty Moore is a new addition not included here), see this blog on my author website and in the comments, do share any craft books that you love that aren’t mentioned here.
The 15 writing craft books I can’t live without
Three Songs for 3D
Here’s a taste of what I’ve been listening to on my walks this week from this month’s playlist which I’m calling “Slow & Steady,” including one in honor of this month’s full moon. Remember, full moons are moments to release and let go, to align with our innermost visions and what we love most. Hope you enjoy!
Thank you for being here. This is a writing space and community that I cherish and that is because of each of you. If you’re new here, welcome! Visit my Welcome page and check out this handy sitemap for 2023 and 2024 for an overview of all my essays to date.
If you like what you read, please leave a heart ❤️, a comment or restack for others to find their way here. Recommendations from other Substack writers are so appreciated!
A special thank you to my paid subscribers: I spend many hours crafting these essays. As I work to create a writing livelihood that can support more personal essay writing, your monthly and annual subscriptions make all the difference. If this space brings you value, and you have the means, please consider upgrading your subscription. And if you’d like to make a one-time contribution of any amount to show your support, click on the button below. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing your heart to the best fortune teller who made those long car rides as a child so much fun! Love you Sis!
Beautiful post Amy! I wish we could have a cup of tea together! I’m walking part of the Camino next fall…not sure if we’ll get to Barcelona as we are planning to do a side trip to Malaga to visit friends. But if I do…maybe we’ll get that cup of 🫖 best!