Why Sweden is my forever second home and how good it feels to be back. This is where I rekindle my oldest, closest friendships and years of sweet memories.
Hi Amy - As a resident of Sweden & Stockholm, all your flattering references to Swedish nature, culture and social benefits resonate with me. Even your description of that crayfish party brings vivid images that makes me want to think I could have been there.😊
One culture element that Swedes feel really embraces a central culture trait is encapsulated in the word ‘lagom’. Swedes will boast that English does not have a single word equivalent that represents getting the work-life balance ´just right´, not over-indulging in a quest of leveraging the benefits of moderation – and enjoying that moderation. To me this is in stark contrast to an American ethos of looking out for number one, excelling and outcompeting peers, and announcing one’s success, often in material trophies. I remember being at a conference in San Francisco years ago where motivational speaker Tony Robbins had been brought in to fire up an audience of 5000 attendees. He picked out five random participants – who I assumed were American – and asked them what their biggest goal was the coming year. Four of them answered ‘make more money’. I believe one of the most appealing attributes of Donald Trump to the American electorate is that he is rich. I know everything has pros and cons and there are certainly upsides and merits to being clever, working hard and being handsomely rewarded. Many Americans in Sweden – besides the daunting task of trying to pry into the tightly cemented Swedish friendship circles and actually getting some Swedish friends – struggle with the lack of entrepreneurial and task oriented ‘Go’ at Swedish workplaces or hampered decision and responsibility taking tied to Swedish consensus building. But I always react when visiting relatives and friends in the States about how much the conversation revolves around what things cost, the dollar and cents salaries people are making and the next move to bring the career to the next level, buy the bigger house and secure a path to becoming financially independent before reaching 55.
Final note – I promise - on Swedes and their relationship to nature. Comparatively Swedes are not a church going folk and are often ranked as one of the most secular peoples on the planet. My experience is that it is common if you ask Swedes if they are religious you will likely get a variation of ‘oh, I don’t go to church or anything like that. If I want to get in contact with God I go out into nature to get in touch with that spirituality’. I see your eighteen years in Sweden has left its mark. I think you captured up that sentiment describing forest bathing – an expression I had not run into before - in this piece. Well done!
What a delicious report from the good old Sweden, evoking many of the things that I used to be familiar with in my five years living there. I must say that most of my existence in Sweden was hard and harsh, so I can't fully resonate with your easy and romantic vision of the many delights of Swedish living, and the aspect of having a good social circle like the one you've had, was missing in my life (except for you and your family, most of the friends I had made were "weeded out" by my ex-husband who isolated me in his narcissistic ways). I struggled so much due to poverty and the darkness and coldness--not only of the temperature but of most people I met. Perhaps because I'm an Asian and pretty much out of place and unable to assimilate, and that made a difference in my experience vs. the experience of Americans, who usually enjoy a higher social status wherever they go.
I'm curious about your discussions about the New Yorker review on Liars. I could not bring myself to read through the whole article. It was written in such a pretentious tone and the perspective is completely off the mark and dismissive of the experience of the wife who got cheated on and lied to. It created an uproar in the Chump community!
Sorry I overlooked this comment awhile back Louisa. I understand your different view & experience of Sweden & why. As for the ‘Liars’ article I see your point there & how it didn’t reflect or acknowledge the experience of the ‘chump’ community.
Hi Lily - Appreciate you touching on the social dimensions of living in Sweden. It is a tough landing spot for Americans ... or just about any immigrant group for that matter. On a macro scale you see a lot of government programs and initiatives aimed at integrating large immigrant groups with very limited success.
So I'll indulge in a little cultural stereotyping knowing full well there are always exceptions to myopically formed rules and that 'du kan inte dra alla över samma kam' (You can't put everyone in the same box).
For context, I was married to Swedish woman and my mother was Swedish. When my former Swedish wife and I got married and moved to Sweden I could already speak Swedish. So I should have had every advantage for a smooth transition in to Swedish society.
What I found was that my wife had a very close circle of childhood friends and - by being married to a member of that circle - I got access to it along with the other spouses. A lot of our social get-togethers revolved around this social group. No one new ever came in to it and no one ever left. Even after my divorce I am still a card bearing member.
But here's the deal - you didn't mix in anyone to the group. Let's say I had a college friend visiting from the States with his fiancée and they were in Stockholm when a dinner was planned with the 'circle' of friends. You would never just suggest - hey, let's invite my college friends to the get together as well. That kind of social spontaneity is very rare ... especially when compared to the States.
A related note - when I worked in the States it was common that the employer arranged a company picnic once a year where your were encouraged to bring your family. Nothing extravagant - hotdogs, watermelon, a little softball - just a picnic. But you got to meet the people behind your colleagues you were seeing five days a week and who they would talk about during lunches and coffee breaks. I have worked in Sweden for 30 years now and never experienced a family get together like that. You don't mix your professional and private life. Keep those separate. It is hard to get to know people privately.
Through my children we did get to know some other 'Swedish' families - our kids and engagement at their schools being the common denominator. But otherwise a lot of my friendships are with ex-pats like myself and others who have immigrated from other countries.
I know I'm rambling. but one last point. If you ask an American 'what they are' you might get an answer like - my experience - 'I'm half Puerto Rican, 30% Cuban, 20% creole French but 100% American!' Immigrant groups are much more inclined to 'own' their American citizenship and see themselves as such. In Sweden, you can ask a third generation Swedish citizen who's grandparents immigrated from Turkey or Serbia what they are and they will answer 'I'm Turkish' or 'I'm a Serb'.
Obviously this just scratches the surface of identity, adapting to a different culture and 'fitting in'. It is complex and very nuanced. Thanks for your insights and touching on the social dimensions of this positively branded hamlet a top of Europe. 😊
Hi George, thanks for taking the time to explain the social dynamics of Swedes. I noticed that people only stayed with their social circle formed at the time they were in dagis. But I didn't know about the strict unspoken "rules" of not inviting outsiders to casual gatherings. That explains a great deal of why foreigners find it so hard to assimilate, especially if you don't have a spouse who is Swedish, as in the case of some of my friends who arrived in Sweden as refugees. I think the Swedish society must do better in helping the immigrants integrate. However, I have observed and experienced covert racism there, and my guess is, they might think: "What's in it for me?" although I'm sure they would not say so openly.
Interesting comment, Louisa. I would agree with George's observation on the closed circle groups of Swedes of family and long-time friends and how colleagues and friends are kept apart socially. Also agree with you that immigrant integration is an area for improvement in Sweden as it is in most countries. And I am sorry you experienced covert racism there. But I will always be grateful your time in Sweden brought us together for a lifelong friendship!
Yes, Amy, I think immigrant integration is an issue in most countries--not only Western countries--that accept immigrants; it's just a matter of degrees. I've heard that French people apply a similar rule as the Swedes in their in-circle socializing. As a result of these unspoken rules, immigrants are left to socialize among themselves. I certainly am glad that we met and that you so graciously opened the door and welcomed me to your home and life! I think our friendship is the only good thing that came out of my time in Sweden :-D
What a beautiful dedication to your beloved Sweden. My MIL’s side of the family is Swedish and my kids’ favorite family “cultural” dessert is Toscakaka. Whenever their grandmother makes it, we all devour it. 😋
And I’m with you on the slow roll when forest bathing. It feels so necessary to take my time there. 🌳💕
Thanks for stopping by to read my love letter to Sweden, Allison. How fun you have Swedish roots and that your family loves one of my favorite Swedish cakes, the Tosca cake, which its sweet, crunchy, flaked almond topping. I got to enjoy a gluten free version on my visit. And yes to forest bathing. I don't get to enjoy that in Florida so I want to savor these beautiful forests here.
I loved this. I haven't had the opportunity yet to visit, but this no doubt increased the urge. What a unique way to share the country & your love for it!
Ahhh...Budepesttårta!!! Häkan and I are now back in town and on the way back here from the archipelago (Stavsnäs) we stopped in the ICA Maxi. I slowly perused all the wonderful cakes they had on display in their in-house bakery. Budepesttårta was one of them! Looked delish. I had no idea it was glutenfree. Now I will think of you whenever I see one.
Thanks for stopping in to praise my favorite Swedish pastry, Hilarie! See you Friday! And thanks for being one of my hosts in the beautiful archipelago islands.
Just last week I put my daughter on an airplane to start her life in Sweden with her Swedish husband. It was hard! But I understand all the reasons why she is choosing to make her life there. And I'm glad she has the opportunity to live in such a wonderful place, especially given how things currently are here. I loved reading this, which has me even more excited to visit them there. What an interesting life you've lived!
That's great, Rita! I am sure your daughter is going to discover all the positive benefits of life in Sweden I mention here, and much more. You will love visiting her. Happy to provide my best tips when the time comes, especially if you visit Stockholm (which I think should be high on the list:-) And yes, I am grateful for the opportunities I've had to live abroad and raise our daughters in different countries. It has made them true world citizens.
Her husband's family is based in/near Stockholm, but they will be going to school in Umeå. I suspect I'll spend the bulk of my time there. But I will definitely reach out when the time comes! Thank you 🙂
Amy, such a delicious journey you've taken us on to your beloved Sweden! I've been there twice, once in April 2011 & once end of August, 2012, both times for guest lecturing/Storytelling work. Stockholm was the entry point and on the April visit I took the train to Eskiltuna (sp?). My host Susanna took me to Junibracken a super fun sort of museum for children and those of us with a strong inner child! Celebrates Astrid Lundgren & Tove Jansen. ♡ I recall fabulous hot chocolate in Eskiltuna! And at the guest lecture at the university gratefully connecting with a young man from Iraq who'd escaped the Gulf War violence as a young boy. Storytelling built a bridge of peace between us & at the end of the day long workshop he invited me to his home to meet his family. This experience is still in the top 2 of how Storytelling heals. The other took place in Iran.♡
I long to return to Scandinavia, both Sweden & Denmark hold special memories. ♡
As for current travels. Alas, it's been mostly very close to base because of responsibilities caregiving for my mom. I did get to drive from Pennsylvania to Little Switzerland North Carolina for a week-long Storytelling retreat which was wonderful!
I had hopes to travel to eastern France to visit the Moselle region where it turns out three branches of family tree converge ,(my 7th great grandfathers/mothers). But unfortunately due to mom's needs and health-care appointments including an intensive oral surgery this trip needs to be on hold until????? Sigh. I really miss travel, especially International as it feeds my soul. I've been blessed to connect that travel nearly always to either paid work or my volunteer projects for which I do crowd funding & then couchsurf so the travel is affordable enough to be possible. ♡
Thank you again for your beautiful/meaningful travel description! So happy for you to have this time in your beloved Sweden.
PS. If I had European/Scandinavian citizenship I'd peace out of here.🙏
Thank you Kristin for the warm and informative response, which is nourishing in itself. Yes, Junibacken is a wonderful museum, for adults and children alike. And what incredible storytelling experiences you had in Sweden. I am so glad you got to visit the country. I wish you for the chance to travel internationally again before long. I think of you and your caregiving responsibilities; it's hard work. While it might mean mostly armchair travel for now, I know you will get to many more dream destinations in the future.
Hi Mary, you should certainly put Sweden, and especially Stockholm, on your summer destination list and when you do, let me know and I will give you loads of suggestions. My daughters love visiting Sweden and we have a small house up in the north of Sweden. But they've made their home elsewhere in Europe: Marielle, the oldest, in Barcelona, and Sara, the youngest, in Paris. I am spoiled for wonderful places to visit! I will be heading to those beautiful cities next.
Hi Amy - As a resident of Sweden & Stockholm, all your flattering references to Swedish nature, culture and social benefits resonate with me. Even your description of that crayfish party brings vivid images that makes me want to think I could have been there.😊
One culture element that Swedes feel really embraces a central culture trait is encapsulated in the word ‘lagom’. Swedes will boast that English does not have a single word equivalent that represents getting the work-life balance ´just right´, not over-indulging in a quest of leveraging the benefits of moderation – and enjoying that moderation. To me this is in stark contrast to an American ethos of looking out for number one, excelling and outcompeting peers, and announcing one’s success, often in material trophies. I remember being at a conference in San Francisco years ago where motivational speaker Tony Robbins had been brought in to fire up an audience of 5000 attendees. He picked out five random participants – who I assumed were American – and asked them what their biggest goal was the coming year. Four of them answered ‘make more money’. I believe one of the most appealing attributes of Donald Trump to the American electorate is that he is rich. I know everything has pros and cons and there are certainly upsides and merits to being clever, working hard and being handsomely rewarded. Many Americans in Sweden – besides the daunting task of trying to pry into the tightly cemented Swedish friendship circles and actually getting some Swedish friends – struggle with the lack of entrepreneurial and task oriented ‘Go’ at Swedish workplaces or hampered decision and responsibility taking tied to Swedish consensus building. But I always react when visiting relatives and friends in the States about how much the conversation revolves around what things cost, the dollar and cents salaries people are making and the next move to bring the career to the next level, buy the bigger house and secure a path to becoming financially independent before reaching 55.
Final note – I promise - on Swedes and their relationship to nature. Comparatively Swedes are not a church going folk and are often ranked as one of the most secular peoples on the planet. My experience is that it is common if you ask Swedes if they are religious you will likely get a variation of ‘oh, I don’t go to church or anything like that. If I want to get in contact with God I go out into nature to get in touch with that spirituality’. I see your eighteen years in Sweden has left its mark. I think you captured up that sentiment describing forest bathing – an expression I had not run into before - in this piece. Well done!
What a delicious report from the good old Sweden, evoking many of the things that I used to be familiar with in my five years living there. I must say that most of my existence in Sweden was hard and harsh, so I can't fully resonate with your easy and romantic vision of the many delights of Swedish living, and the aspect of having a good social circle like the one you've had, was missing in my life (except for you and your family, most of the friends I had made were "weeded out" by my ex-husband who isolated me in his narcissistic ways). I struggled so much due to poverty and the darkness and coldness--not only of the temperature but of most people I met. Perhaps because I'm an Asian and pretty much out of place and unable to assimilate, and that made a difference in my experience vs. the experience of Americans, who usually enjoy a higher social status wherever they go.
I'm curious about your discussions about the New Yorker review on Liars. I could not bring myself to read through the whole article. It was written in such a pretentious tone and the perspective is completely off the mark and dismissive of the experience of the wife who got cheated on and lied to. It created an uproar in the Chump community!
Sorry I overlooked this comment awhile back Louisa. I understand your different view & experience of Sweden & why. As for the ‘Liars’ article I see your point there & how it didn’t reflect or acknowledge the experience of the ‘chump’ community.
Thanks for your reply, Amy!
Hi Lily - Appreciate you touching on the social dimensions of living in Sweden. It is a tough landing spot for Americans ... or just about any immigrant group for that matter. On a macro scale you see a lot of government programs and initiatives aimed at integrating large immigrant groups with very limited success.
So I'll indulge in a little cultural stereotyping knowing full well there are always exceptions to myopically formed rules and that 'du kan inte dra alla över samma kam' (You can't put everyone in the same box).
For context, I was married to Swedish woman and my mother was Swedish. When my former Swedish wife and I got married and moved to Sweden I could already speak Swedish. So I should have had every advantage for a smooth transition in to Swedish society.
What I found was that my wife had a very close circle of childhood friends and - by being married to a member of that circle - I got access to it along with the other spouses. A lot of our social get-togethers revolved around this social group. No one new ever came in to it and no one ever left. Even after my divorce I am still a card bearing member.
But here's the deal - you didn't mix in anyone to the group. Let's say I had a college friend visiting from the States with his fiancée and they were in Stockholm when a dinner was planned with the 'circle' of friends. You would never just suggest - hey, let's invite my college friends to the get together as well. That kind of social spontaneity is very rare ... especially when compared to the States.
A related note - when I worked in the States it was common that the employer arranged a company picnic once a year where your were encouraged to bring your family. Nothing extravagant - hotdogs, watermelon, a little softball - just a picnic. But you got to meet the people behind your colleagues you were seeing five days a week and who they would talk about during lunches and coffee breaks. I have worked in Sweden for 30 years now and never experienced a family get together like that. You don't mix your professional and private life. Keep those separate. It is hard to get to know people privately.
Through my children we did get to know some other 'Swedish' families - our kids and engagement at their schools being the common denominator. But otherwise a lot of my friendships are with ex-pats like myself and others who have immigrated from other countries.
I know I'm rambling. but one last point. If you ask an American 'what they are' you might get an answer like - my experience - 'I'm half Puerto Rican, 30% Cuban, 20% creole French but 100% American!' Immigrant groups are much more inclined to 'own' their American citizenship and see themselves as such. In Sweden, you can ask a third generation Swedish citizen who's grandparents immigrated from Turkey or Serbia what they are and they will answer 'I'm Turkish' or 'I'm a Serb'.
Obviously this just scratches the surface of identity, adapting to a different culture and 'fitting in'. It is complex and very nuanced. Thanks for your insights and touching on the social dimensions of this positively branded hamlet a top of Europe. 😊
Hi George, thanks for taking the time to explain the social dynamics of Swedes. I noticed that people only stayed with their social circle formed at the time they were in dagis. But I didn't know about the strict unspoken "rules" of not inviting outsiders to casual gatherings. That explains a great deal of why foreigners find it so hard to assimilate, especially if you don't have a spouse who is Swedish, as in the case of some of my friends who arrived in Sweden as refugees. I think the Swedish society must do better in helping the immigrants integrate. However, I have observed and experienced covert racism there, and my guess is, they might think: "What's in it for me?" although I'm sure they would not say so openly.
Interesting comment, Louisa. I would agree with George's observation on the closed circle groups of Swedes of family and long-time friends and how colleagues and friends are kept apart socially. Also agree with you that immigrant integration is an area for improvement in Sweden as it is in most countries. And I am sorry you experienced covert racism there. But I will always be grateful your time in Sweden brought us together for a lifelong friendship!
Yes, Amy, I think immigrant integration is an issue in most countries--not only Western countries--that accept immigrants; it's just a matter of degrees. I've heard that French people apply a similar rule as the Swedes in their in-circle socializing. As a result of these unspoken rules, immigrants are left to socialize among themselves. I certainly am glad that we met and that you so graciously opened the door and welcomed me to your home and life! I think our friendship is the only good thing that came out of my time in Sweden :-D
Ah, my friend, then I am extra glad, in that case!
Thoughtful comments George!
What a beautiful dedication to your beloved Sweden. My MIL’s side of the family is Swedish and my kids’ favorite family “cultural” dessert is Toscakaka. Whenever their grandmother makes it, we all devour it. 😋
And I’m with you on the slow roll when forest bathing. It feels so necessary to take my time there. 🌳💕
Thanks for stopping by to read my love letter to Sweden, Allison. How fun you have Swedish roots and that your family loves one of my favorite Swedish cakes, the Tosca cake, which its sweet, crunchy, flaked almond topping. I got to enjoy a gluten free version on my visit. And yes to forest bathing. I don't get to enjoy that in Florida so I want to savor these beautiful forests here.
What a wonderful post, Amy! I can see why it's your forever second home, and now I want to visit even more than I already did!
You will love your eventual visit Sarah & when you do, I’ll have plenty of tips for you!
I loved this. I haven't had the opportunity yet to visit, but this no doubt increased the urge. What a unique way to share the country & your love for it!
Thank, or tack sa mycket as we say in Swedish! I hope you get to visit one day. And thank you for reading & leaving a comment 😀🇸🇪
Ahhh...Budepesttårta!!! Häkan and I are now back in town and on the way back here from the archipelago (Stavsnäs) we stopped in the ICA Maxi. I slowly perused all the wonderful cakes they had on display in their in-house bakery. Budepesttårta was one of them! Looked delish. I had no idea it was glutenfree. Now I will think of you whenever I see one.
/Hilarie
Thanks for stopping in to praise my favorite Swedish pastry, Hilarie! See you Friday! And thanks for being one of my hosts in the beautiful archipelago islands.
Just last week I put my daughter on an airplane to start her life in Sweden with her Swedish husband. It was hard! But I understand all the reasons why she is choosing to make her life there. And I'm glad she has the opportunity to live in such a wonderful place, especially given how things currently are here. I loved reading this, which has me even more excited to visit them there. What an interesting life you've lived!
That's great, Rita! I am sure your daughter is going to discover all the positive benefits of life in Sweden I mention here, and much more. You will love visiting her. Happy to provide my best tips when the time comes, especially if you visit Stockholm (which I think should be high on the list:-) And yes, I am grateful for the opportunities I've had to live abroad and raise our daughters in different countries. It has made them true world citizens.
Her husband's family is based in/near Stockholm, but they will be going to school in Umeå. I suspect I'll spend the bulk of my time there. But I will definitely reach out when the time comes! Thank you 🙂
Amy, such a delicious journey you've taken us on to your beloved Sweden! I've been there twice, once in April 2011 & once end of August, 2012, both times for guest lecturing/Storytelling work. Stockholm was the entry point and on the April visit I took the train to Eskiltuna (sp?). My host Susanna took me to Junibracken a super fun sort of museum for children and those of us with a strong inner child! Celebrates Astrid Lundgren & Tove Jansen. ♡ I recall fabulous hot chocolate in Eskiltuna! And at the guest lecture at the university gratefully connecting with a young man from Iraq who'd escaped the Gulf War violence as a young boy. Storytelling built a bridge of peace between us & at the end of the day long workshop he invited me to his home to meet his family. This experience is still in the top 2 of how Storytelling heals. The other took place in Iran.♡
I long to return to Scandinavia, both Sweden & Denmark hold special memories. ♡
As for current travels. Alas, it's been mostly very close to base because of responsibilities caregiving for my mom. I did get to drive from Pennsylvania to Little Switzerland North Carolina for a week-long Storytelling retreat which was wonderful!
I had hopes to travel to eastern France to visit the Moselle region where it turns out three branches of family tree converge ,(my 7th great grandfathers/mothers). But unfortunately due to mom's needs and health-care appointments including an intensive oral surgery this trip needs to be on hold until????? Sigh. I really miss travel, especially International as it feeds my soul. I've been blessed to connect that travel nearly always to either paid work or my volunteer projects for which I do crowd funding & then couchsurf so the travel is affordable enough to be possible. ♡
Thank you again for your beautiful/meaningful travel description! So happy for you to have this time in your beloved Sweden.
PS. If I had European/Scandinavian citizenship I'd peace out of here.🙏
Thank you Kristin for the warm and informative response, which is nourishing in itself. Yes, Junibacken is a wonderful museum, for adults and children alike. And what incredible storytelling experiences you had in Sweden. I am so glad you got to visit the country. I wish you for the chance to travel internationally again before long. I think of you and your caregiving responsibilities; it's hard work. While it might mean mostly armchair travel for now, I know you will get to many more dream destinations in the future.
This makes me want to go to Sweden…in the summer! It also made me wonder where your daughters live now? Still there? Closer to you?
Hi Mary, you should certainly put Sweden, and especially Stockholm, on your summer destination list and when you do, let me know and I will give you loads of suggestions. My daughters love visiting Sweden and we have a small house up in the north of Sweden. But they've made their home elsewhere in Europe: Marielle, the oldest, in Barcelona, and Sara, the youngest, in Paris. I am spoiled for wonderful places to visit! I will be heading to those beautiful cities next.
So many great destinations! Enjoy your travels, and I’ll start saving up for Sweden.