Just a month after leaving my 33-year-marriage, my mother with rapidly progressing dementia moved in with me and my "good daughter" tendencies went into hyperdrive.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it is beautifully written. I am in the thick of experiencing the ambiguous and anticipatory grief of dementia with both of my parents, while attempting to stay present for my three young children and serving as legal guardian for my disabled brother. I have had (and continue) to work hard on giving myself permission to not please everyone, to outsource some care, and to care for myself.
Anticipatory grief is exactly right, Anna. I feel that so much, watching my mother descend further into this disease, these tiny little cuts adding up to the "long goodbye." I am trying to care for myself, hand to heart often, breathing deeply, because this stuff is HARD. And you have your plate full, with your children and brother. So glad you are giving yourself permission to step away from pleasing everyone, finding support and taking care of yourself.
Such a deep and thoughtful reflection of that extremely difficult period in your life! When you mentioned martyrdom, it reminded me of how my mother behaved in our family. She did all she could to take care of her own mother, but it led to a great deal of resentment. That didn't go well with us kids. It was a poor role model, and I grew to resent her for treating my grandma poorly through the years. So yes, your reflections on martyrdom hits home. I'm so glad you have done so much innerwork to come to a place where you can enjoy both inner and outer freedom, much more than the time when you were a "caged bird." All of what you pointed out about caregiving in America is so sadly true. Lastly, regarding permission, I struggled with it myself quite a good deal. But I'm practicing doing that this holiday season by speaking kindly to my inner children, who refused to visit mom because they were burnt out from being my mother's mom! I honored them and stood up for them. It is my inner Self who gives all of me the permission to do what is right and true for me, and also take the risk and responsibility for the choices "we" make together.
Thank you Louisa for this thoughtful comment, and a reminder of how ultimately self-defeating martyrdom is. Good for you for speaking kindly to your inner child as a way to help give yourself permission to choose yourself when the alternative would be harmful to yourself.
thank you for sharing these tender, private moments with us, Amy. as we move toward this level of caregiving now, your experience is helpful and grounding.
I find myself in the case of being the family caretaker of my 91 year old mother (still independent but needs assistance) and my husband who has trouble navigating the practicalities of life and has health issues. Gave my husband a kidney last year. I’m the eldest daughter so relate to the above and often find myself on a pendulum of duty (with and without resentment) and a yearning to be free of all responsibilities. No answers today but sobriety, yoga and meditation help keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Thanks for your writings.
Donna, thank you for writing. I love getting comments from readers! You sound like a remarkable woman, as so many of we women caregivers are. It touched me to learn how you care for your mom and your husband, even giving him a kidney. Such a gift of life! And yes, eldest daughter syndrome can be hard to break away from. Like you, sobriety, yoga and meditation are my go-to medicine each day. Do you know the meditation teacher Sarah Blondin on Insight Timer, and also here on Substack (highly recommend). I listened to this today and it was so healing: https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/look-and-it-shall-lift
I hope you’ve found some time now to dance on your beach. I remember so very happily our runs/chats by the sea in Malta and how always positive you were. And still are. One person can’t do everything and these wonderful posts remind people of this and the importance of knowing when you need outside help. It’s ok to dance on a beach. It’s ok to put yourself at the front for a change. I hope these blogs reach people who struggle to do that. X
Thanks Deana for these kind and wise words, and yes I now take every chance I get to dance and walk along the beach here in beautiful Gulf Coast Florida. I am getting better at putting myself first--a work in progress.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it is beautifully written. I am in the thick of experiencing the ambiguous and anticipatory grief of dementia with both of my parents, while attempting to stay present for my three young children and serving as legal guardian for my disabled brother. I have had (and continue) to work hard on giving myself permission to not please everyone, to outsource some care, and to care for myself.
Anticipatory grief is exactly right, Anna. I feel that so much, watching my mother descend further into this disease, these tiny little cuts adding up to the "long goodbye." I am trying to care for myself, hand to heart often, breathing deeply, because this stuff is HARD. And you have your plate full, with your children and brother. So glad you are giving yourself permission to step away from pleasing everyone, finding support and taking care of yourself.
Such a deep and thoughtful reflection of that extremely difficult period in your life! When you mentioned martyrdom, it reminded me of how my mother behaved in our family. She did all she could to take care of her own mother, but it led to a great deal of resentment. That didn't go well with us kids. It was a poor role model, and I grew to resent her for treating my grandma poorly through the years. So yes, your reflections on martyrdom hits home. I'm so glad you have done so much innerwork to come to a place where you can enjoy both inner and outer freedom, much more than the time when you were a "caged bird." All of what you pointed out about caregiving in America is so sadly true. Lastly, regarding permission, I struggled with it myself quite a good deal. But I'm practicing doing that this holiday season by speaking kindly to my inner children, who refused to visit mom because they were burnt out from being my mother's mom! I honored them and stood up for them. It is my inner Self who gives all of me the permission to do what is right and true for me, and also take the risk and responsibility for the choices "we" make together.
Thank you Louisa for this thoughtful comment, and a reminder of how ultimately self-defeating martyrdom is. Good for you for speaking kindly to your inner child as a way to help give yourself permission to choose yourself when the alternative would be harmful to yourself.
thank you for sharing these tender, private moments with us, Amy. as we move toward this level of caregiving now, your experience is helpful and grounding.
Thank you Elena! I hope that in healing myself through the writing it can help others as well.
I find myself in the case of being the family caretaker of my 91 year old mother (still independent but needs assistance) and my husband who has trouble navigating the practicalities of life and has health issues. Gave my husband a kidney last year. I’m the eldest daughter so relate to the above and often find myself on a pendulum of duty (with and without resentment) and a yearning to be free of all responsibilities. No answers today but sobriety, yoga and meditation help keep me putting one foot in front of the other. Thanks for your writings.
Donna, thank you for writing. I love getting comments from readers! You sound like a remarkable woman, as so many of we women caregivers are. It touched me to learn how you care for your mom and your husband, even giving him a kidney. Such a gift of life! And yes, eldest daughter syndrome can be hard to break away from. Like you, sobriety, yoga and meditation are my go-to medicine each day. Do you know the meditation teacher Sarah Blondin on Insight Timer, and also here on Substack (highly recommend). I listened to this today and it was so healing: https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/look-and-it-shall-lift
Thank you Amy, I don’t feel remarkable most days 😀. I’ll check out the meditation link!
I hope you’ve found some time now to dance on your beach. I remember so very happily our runs/chats by the sea in Malta and how always positive you were. And still are. One person can’t do everything and these wonderful posts remind people of this and the importance of knowing when you need outside help. It’s ok to dance on a beach. It’s ok to put yourself at the front for a change. I hope these blogs reach people who struggle to do that. X
Thanks Deana for these kind and wise words, and yes I now take every chance I get to dance and walk along the beach here in beautiful Gulf Coast Florida. I am getting better at putting myself first--a work in progress.