Shadow dancing and unpeeling the layers of self

I snubbed the shadow of selfishness my entire life until the day I turned around and recognized myself.

Dancing around my shadows, they pursue me anyway. There is no outrunning them. Shadows are the parts of ourselves that we would rather not look at—thoughts, emotions or personality traits that we find hard to accept, so we cut off from them.

Shadows are part of Carl Jung’s model of the psyche and also a key part of the Internal Family System (IFS) model in which shadow work is integrated into an understanding of the inner child and other parts of ourselves.

Shadow work has become, for me, a way to access greater self-compassion as well as compassion toward others, in one of the most challenging times of my life. The shadow that comes up again and again is selfishness, a trait that I am quick to criticize in others but not willing to acknowledge in myself. Because the truth is, a part of me is envious of “selfish” people, who put their own needs before the needs of others. How freeing it must be to think only of oneself and not others!, says the inner protector in me. It is her job to zealously guard the cherished view I have of myself as a selfless person.

This view of myself is also core to my personality as an Enneagram Two, the Giver or Helper. Twos are motivated by a need to feel indispensable to the people we love, giving to others while avoiding acknowledging our own needs. (Listen to this episode of The Typology podcast, for a fascinating look at exploring shadow work through the Enneagram and why looking at our shadows is the key to more aliveness).

Photo by Nkululeko Mayiyane on Unsplash

A healthier stance, when it comes to shadow work, is to explore and embrace a “drop” of that negative trait in oneself and to look within to understand why, starting in childhood, you came to reject that particular trait. I’ve learned that it is not a binary. People are not all “selfish” or all “selfless;” humans are more complicated than that.

A “drop” of selfishness means I advocate for myself. I set boundaries. I claim my wins without apology. I want what I want with my whole self, even in the face of disappointing others. As the poet

David Whyte

writes, “Shadow is a beautiful, inverse confirmation of our incarnation.”

As I dug into this particular shadow, I understood that selfless giving borne of self-sacrifice can lead to resentment. On the other hand, a person who prioritizes their own needs may appear selfish but can also be generous when inspired, in a balance that brings greater happiness and fulfillment.

I have come to see that my rejection of “selfish” put self-sacrifice on such a pedestal that resentment was bound to fester in my marriage and as a caregiver. I know better now. This is how I tell the story of how I came to dance with this shadow (and all the others).

There was once a little girl who lived inside her own shadow. She lived inside her imagination, too, and that was a rich, wondrous, and magical place to live. She thrived there. But in the real world, in how she related to other people—her husband, parents, siblings, friends, teachers, bosses, colleagues—she too often receded into the shadow of her own fears and insecurities, her desire to please and be good, because that is how she thought she would get closer to love and stay safe.

This girl grew into a teenager and a young woman who became a little bolder, buoyed by her imagination and her innate optimism. Yet the shadow kept pulling her under, back inside a smaller, more fearful version of who she could truly be.

Quite late in life, in her sixth decade, she turned around and looked at her shadow. She got curious, quiet and still. She worked hard to understand what her shadow was telling her. To live with it but also to venture beyond the cage it had created for her. Freedom existed within and outside the shadow, and it was hers for the taking.

She realized she had always had the strength, courage and wisdom to claim the truest parts of herself and make the world she inhabited as real and true and beautiful as the one in her imagination. 

I’ll let Rumi have the last word.

Enough Words

By Rumi

But that shadow has been serving you!
What hurts you, blesses you.
Darkness is your candle.
Your boundaries are your quest.
You must have shadow and light source both.
Listen, and lay your head under the tree of awe.

Resources and inspiration on shadow work

There are so many! Here are a few I have come across and enjoyed.

“Shadow does not exist by itself,”

David Whyte

No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, founder of the Internal Family System (IFS)

For great insight into working with IFS for which shadows are a central feature, “Getting to know my inner protector” by

Louisa Wah

at

Lily Pond

“Understanding the Energy of Shadow,”

Pulling the Thread with Elise Loehnen

Connie Zweig, PhD: Working with the Shadow,

Pulling the Thread with Elise Loehnen

Exploring Shadow Work Through the Enneagram, The Typology Podcast

Shadow Work Starter Kit, Deb Blum, The Whole Soul Way¹

Share in the comments: Have you danced with your shadows? What have you learned?

Three Songs for 3-D

Divorce

“Just Let It Go,” India Arie

Dementia

“The Shadow of Your Smile,” Tony Bennett

Destiny

“Human,” Rag n’ Bone Man

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