My Decade of Discovery Is Here

In the annals of "it's never too late," and "if not now, when?" Living in 3-D starts to embrace a world of new "Ds" from Dating and Desire to Dreams and Dharma.

When I began this newsletter my life was consumed by the main preoccupations of this sixth decade of my life—a divorce I initiated at 62 after 33 years of marriage, and the dementia that was coming to define my mother’s life and my role as her primary caregiver, both happening at once. Untethered from the life I had known, while helplessly watching my mother’s heart-breaking decline, I clung to the third dimension of 3-D—Destiny—to remind me this is not where my story ends.

Now, new dimensions of my life are emerging. Stay tuned as other “Ds” will be explored in this newsletter in coming months: Dating. Desire. Discovery. Destinations. Daring. Dreams. Dharma. Hell, maybe even some Decadence and Debauchery! (Without the drugs or alcohol; this woman is happily sober).

Yet nothing is ever easy or simple. I am a woman still in grief over losing her mother and the whiplash of jettisoning a third of her life. So there will no doubt be some Drudgery, Doldrums, Dread and Depression. Delusions and Dumb Decisions. But I promise that I’ll bring it all to you as honestly as I can. The story I have to tell is both particular and universal. Sharing our stories is fundamental to being human. I could not survive without your stories or mine. As we seek to make sense of our lives, stories show us the way.

Through connection and community, we find the clarity to better support one another through major later-in-life transitions, like divorce, dementia the caregiving and loss of aging parents, third or fourth acts in our careers and more. I hear so often from women in their 40s, 50s, 60s: “If not now, when?” They feel something is desperately missing. A larger purpose. An unfulfilled dream. A profound recognition that they are not their true, fully self-expressed selves. They’re not living according to their life’s purpose. They don’t even know what that is but they want to find out: that’s the dharma I’ve been after, too.

A different kind of divorce story

This September will be two years since I told my ex-husband I wanted a divorce (among the women who in 73% of cases initiate divorce). He didn’t want the divorce so it could have been awful, drawn-out and expensive. As it turned out, we traversed that territory better than I dared to hope. I found my courage and stepped up to every difficult conversation. We kept our relationship with our daughters sacred, unsullied by the tension and disagreements as we legally separated our union to start anew. And today he and I are friends, getting to know each other again in a different way, perhaps in a truer way. I’ve chronicled that journey in this newsletter, including what a “good divorce” can look like (or as good as such a wrenching life event can be). I will continue to unpack how we managed to avoid going to court and even mediation, working it out between us over the course of six months. With the rate of gray divorce (people over 50) doubling, and even tripling for those over 65, I believe there’s a need for women who divorce late in life to share their stories and support one another.

The impossible choices of dementia caregiving

Two months ago my mother lost her long struggle with dementia and the “Ds” I had dreaded—Dying, Death—were at my door. For my mother’s sake, I would not look away. I would be with her to the end, sitting next to my sister, both of us holding her hands in ours, telling her we loved her, so that death—even as I knew she was ready for it—would be as gentle as possible when it came for her. We first noticed the signs of cognitive loss in 2019, and these past five years have yielded many lessons in both caring for a parent with dementia and being a caregiver in general. I will continue to share what I learned and advocate for better policies and more compassion for caregivers. If this is part of your journey, too, you will find many resources here.

New dimensions to discover

As time passes, the experience of divorce and dementia caregiving will be less defining of my story in this late midlife chapter, which is as it should be. If we are to change and grow and evolve, we can’t remain at one fixed point. I don’t want to stay the same. I’m hungry for life, eager for new experiences and adventure. Over the past few years of deep self-inquiry, I’ve been getting to know myself better and I like what I see. I’m in a relationship with this woman first and foremost. She’s got some surprises up her sleeve and I can’t wait to see where life takes us. This is the path of Discovery, one I have been on my whole life, but now, with eyes and arms wide open.

Photo by Samuel Scrimshaw on Unsplash

Tell me your story, I’ll tell you mine

Have you noticed how many women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s and beyond are having love affairs with themselves and celebrating one another in their glorious wisdom and appetite for life?

I certainly have. These women’s stories thread through my own, deepening my understanding of myself and my choices, making me feel less alone. Every time I listen to one of my favorite podcasts—We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon and Amanda Doyle and Abby Wambach, Wiser than Me with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, or Hotter than Ever with Erin Keating, among others—I have to hit pause to jot down the words of the host or a guest that have just illuminated something absolutely vital for me. Here’s a list of what I listened to in the past week, stories I think you’d appreciate, too.

Wisdom of older women: Patti Smith, Gloria Steinem, Anne Lamott and more—the wiser older women who in funny, often moving, always engaging conversation with actor Julia Louis-Dreyfus on Wiser Than Me share their life stories. Listen to Patti (also here on Substack) (whose memoir Just Kids is gorgeous) talk about her enduring creative practice, and Gloria share how writing letters to her husband after he died helped her heal. And this question, asked by Julia of every guest, the advice they’d give themselves at 21, answered so beautifully by Anne Lamott:

“I would tell myself, you are so beautiful as is. You don't need to change a thing. You don't need to worry about your hair or what your butt looks like…I would say, all of that stuff inside of you is the way home…Talk to an older woman about it. We are starting over as of now. And this is a new page.”

Divorce, Flirting, Sex and more: keeping it hot and real with Erin Keating at Hotter Than Ever (also now on Substack here). Have a listen to these episodes I enjoyed but every one of them is frank, funny and goes deep and wide into all the topics that touch on her podcast’s main mission: “ to unearth the unconscious rules that keep women over 40 feeling trapped and taking care of everyone other than ourselves.”

• “Choosing Mediation over Divorce When You Know It's Over,” with Paulette Rigo, a credentialed private mediator and certified divorce coach.

• “How I Learned to Flirt”, where Erin shares how flirting has transformed the little moments in her life, whether she’s at Trader Joe’s or the DMV, making her feel more alive, seen, and engaged with the world.

• “Claiming Your Sexual Power in Midlife with Eva Clay”, an acclaimed sexologist, psychotherapist and professional troublemaker whose mission is to illuminate the ménage-a-trois of soul, sex and science.

• “How to Feel Less Exhaustion and More Joy with Victoria Albina”, a family nurse practitioner, breathwork meditation guide, life coach, and host of the "Feminist Wellness Podcast" devoted to empowering women to become their own best healers.

Breast Cancer: Candid, informative and poignant account of Amanda Doyle’s diagnosis of breast cancer, subsequent full mastectomy and recovery. Episodes 309, 310, 316, 317 of We Can Do Hard Things. Breast cancer is the most common cancer for women, affecting 1 in 8 women in this country, and yet how often we lack the information we need to navigate it ourselves or support our loved ones through it.

Finally, a recommendation of two films I recently saw. Not owning a TV and seldom streaming, this is a rare occurrence. Reading (and listening, to podcasts and music) is what calls to me most these days.

“The Idea of You,” starring Anne Hathaway as Solène, a 40-year-old single mom, who begins an unexpected romance with 24-year-old Hayes Campbell, the lead singer of a boy band. Erin Keating called it “Midlife Rom Com Candy” and she isn’t wrong but also acknowledges what I also found to be its beautiful vulnerability and emotional truth and “representation of real sex on screen.” Katy Waldman in The New Yorker said: “Solène is a vision of relatability, self-sufficiency and poise in a film that proves the rom-com isn’t dead.” It’s on Amazon Prime: treat yourself.

“Tuesday,” starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, in which a mother and her daughter must confront Death when it arrives in the form of an astonishing talking bird, a scarlet macaw. Louis-Dreyfus plays the fierce loving mother of 15-year-old Tuesday with a terminal illness, defiantly keeping Death as far from her daughter’s door as possible, for as long as possible. But we all know who’s going to win this battle in the end. Both Tuesday’s courage and her mother’s heart-wrenching transition from denial to acceptance is one of the most original, captivating and moving depictions of death and grief I’ve ever seen. As The New York Times wrote, “Young and old, human and animal, they call to him before breathing their last beneath the shadow of his gently raised wing…lending a cosmic chill to a simple story of maternal grief.”

Some of the final words exchanged between mother and daughter, as Tuesday demanded reassurance that her mother would survive the loss were “Promise, promise?” and her mother’s tearful response: “Promise, promise.” This word was the mantra I said aloud to myself as I drove home from the movie theater, crying for my own mother. I thought of the opening lines from David Whyte’s poem “Beyond Santiago”:

“Death is so simple, one moment you are alive and then, you are not. And that fear you carry with you might be equally as simple, too.”

Let’s chat:

In the comments, please share, what are your favorite podcasts? What are your listening to, watching or reading that has prompted an “aha” revelation? And what “Ds” do you think I should be exploring as I determine to rock this Decade of my 60s?

If you appreciated this essay, please consider sharing it, “hearting” it, commenting, restacking on Substack or sharing on social media. This weekly letter is a labor of love and your recommendation help grow my reader community and encourages me to keep going.

Three Songs for 3-D

Divorce

“Once in a Lifetime,” Talking Heads

You may ask yourself, "What is that beautiful house?"
You may ask yourself, "Where does that highway go to?"
And you may ask yourself, "Am I right, am I wrong?"
And you may say to yourself, "My God, what have I done?"

Dementia

“Girls,” Rachel Platten

Hope you always know your worth
Though I know that life can hurt
Hope you know that you can turn to each other
Hope the road ahead is clear
And I hope you know when I'm not here
That you'll always have the love of your mother

Destiny

“Sometimes,” The Brand New Heavies

Sometimes you gotta do right to be happy
One time you gotta believe in what you feel inside
Sometimes you gotta do right to find happiness