The wedding vows we made 35 years ago today didn't go the distance. This storied city with its exuberant and inventive style seems like a good place to make a new vow: I am married to myself first.
Hmmm .... don't see a lot of males chiming in here and commenting. I think your essays speaking to the dissonance in your relationship that lead to your divorce help me better understand my former wife's decision to initiate the dissolution of your union after 32 years.
I was happy with my marriage .... well, happy and happy - it could have been better. But I was content and felt the benefits of staying together greatly outweighed the alternative and felt sticking together and working on the relationship through thick and thin was part of the deal. I never experienced my wife was never my soul mate, we never had an incredible flow chemistry, but that was never a requirement. And at the onset of our marriage I think we had great potential to grow together and extra special, soul touching connection. Didn't happen, but I was content.
The thing is - I was always married to myself. That was part of the problem and difficult for my wife to accept. We did the counseling and I was trying to modify my being to better meet her needs BUT I was not willing to lose myself in the process.
I admire my wife for divorcing me. Took a lot of guts and character. She's a wonderful person and I wish her all fortune going forward. I just wish she could have seen me and accepted me for wonderful person I am ... oh, there I go again.
I think now that she's launched and on her own she is focusing much more on herself - good for her. She seems happy and that's important. To be fair, I am also enjoying the dimensions of freedom the divorce has given me. Marriage is after all much about compromising freedoms to meet the needs of one's partner.
I love your Barcelona images! Thank you for sharing them.
Marriage and its dissolution are so complex. So individual. I've had two and emerged different each time.
I gained a lot of self-knowledge (mostly in the vain of what learning what I don't like) in my marriages. The contrast was so stark, it was undeniable. Those were the gifts of my marriages.
This is wisely said, Nneka. When we can see the gifts of our marriages, even after dissolution, there is no failure. Only a hard and yet no doubt beautiful and important lesson learned.
"I know now that I need to be my true self in order to have the emotional depth and honesty in a relationship that I long for."
This is such a powerful message! I love your vow to be married to yourself. Congratulations on the beautiful work you've done for your self-development and self-connection!
Your story interests me because I wonder after so many years of marriage what it was that made you move forward into your current situation? I am on TWSW but haven’t had the time to focus solely on me yet to find the answers
This is absolutely gorgeous, Amy: both the message and its container.
How beautifully you weave later in life lessons into your musical musings.
So much resonates for me here. May 25th would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary. As more time passes since we separated in 2020, I’m able to have so much more compassion for younger me-and for the younger version of my ex. What did we know back then?! So little. We didn’t have the wisdom of therapy and the ubiquitous knowledge that we now have at our fingertips.
We only knew the cultural expectations and the story book fairy tales that never took us into an actual relationship.
I so admire the grace with which you hold yourself and the respectful way you have navigated a friendship with your ex-husband (I keep searching for a better term than “ex.” I don’t love that term, but I haven’t found anything that is more apt)
Happy Wedding to Yourself Day, Amy! May you enjoy a long and healthy relationship with yourself, loving yourself and honoring yourself from this day forward.
Thank you Rosemary for these thoughtful & kind comments. How uncannily similar our stories are. And the best part is our newfound growth by embracing change, which is never easy—but once you begin, it gets easier over time, especially with the right support and not running from the hard feelings. As for ‘ex’ it is a less than ideal term especially after 33 years. Sounds dismissive: poof, he is ex’d out of our lives. Perhaps ‘my first long love’ or ‘my former partner’….💗
I’ve been thinking so much lately about devotion. I read recently that Virgo energy is exactly that- devotion. I am not a Virgo but relate very much to its energy. This essay made me smile and nod. Because you are displaying such devotion to yourself. You are honoring the divine vows you made as a young child to Amy and you are living into all of her. And doing it with such integrity. It’s especially nice to hear how amicable you and your ex-husband are and how you did find a new kind of harmony.
And that Rumi poem! Whooooof. Every time it snaps me back open.
Stunning photos, one again! Enjoy the rest of your time in Barcelona!
Thank you for your kind words and witnessing of young Amy and older wiser Amy finally settling into her wholeness. It is never too late. I am thoroughly in love with Barcelona, as I expected I would be. And in six days, I begin my Camino!
It’s stunning to watch you blossom into the whole you! Being married to ourselves first truly is, as you say, self-preservation. Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for all other relationships. And yes! It’s not too late for future romantic partners! You are such an inspiration!
I am so happy for you. Look at your smile in that photo! This line jumped out from the very start in your title, "I am married to myself first." I love how you weave the different parts of music with the different pieces of a marriage, how you use timing and rhythm in your writing to reflect your subject matter.
In the first year after my divorce, I bought myself a gorgeous antique diamond and ruby ring with the same intention - to be married to myself, and when I put it on, I vowed that I would learn to love myself first.
And thank you for the gorgeous photographs and movie recommend and music! ❤️
Thank you Jocelyn for seeing the music in my words and my metaphors for marriage. I love that you had the same intention after your divorce and that you bought yourself that beautiful ring. Perhaps I need to mark this day in a similar way. I mean, what woman doesn't need an excuse to shop in Barcelona?:-)
Congratulations Amy on choosing to be married to yourself first! Resonated with your description of the music inspired marriage from harmonious prelude to discord in your marriage back to harmony of friendship. Mirrors my experience, though I lasted 9 years before choosing to leave. And it took another decade plus for me to really learn to be married to myself first.
So, Yes, 1000 times Yes to choosing being married to oneself first!♡
As I type this I also realize in the caregiving relationship with my mother, I allowed being married to myself first to become buried. While I acknowledge it's challenging to have that not happen when being the primary caregiver for a parent when there are few additional resources to one's avail; we fell through the cracks of several services due to the constraints of rigid barriers.
At the same time, I'm learning again how to be married to me first. While it doesnt yet look like international travel, one of my great loves, it dors look like choosing to do things locally that I enjoy: taking myself to free outdoor concerts and dancing with myself (and sometimes others too), enjoying my company each morning on the sunporch while sipping tea and watching the birds, cooking myself lightly smoked salmon & serving over baby spinach (yum!)
I had hoped to take myself to France in September for my birthday, but due to mom's uncertain schedule of a needed surgery date, I canceled my trip. Irony and a reminder to myself (and others), her surgery ended up being scheduled September 17th, 4 days after my intended return. So, I could have gone! Note to self from the universe, schedule the trip!♡
So, yes, 1000 times yes to being married to oneself first!
PS. I LOVE Barcelona, especially Gaudi's architecture! Next time I go, I definitely want to go Inside the house & Sagrada Familia. So glad you're enjoying one of my favorite cities! And how marvelous Marielle calls Barcelona home♡
Thank you Kristin for this thoughtful comment, to raising your glass to choosing being married to onself first, even--especially--when we face the most difficult of circumstances. I am glad you are giving yourself these daily indulgences and treats, which are not insignificant at all if they bring a smile to your face, some moments of serenity and peace. I am sorry you had to miss your birthday trip to France. While it is easy to say and harder to endure, I know there will be more travel in your future. And I'll enjoy Barcelona extra for you, dear friend. I hope we can enjoy it together one day.
I hear you on the re-shaping of the Un-anniversary. It has me wondering if it might become a Both/And sort of day. An acknowledgement & honoring of your 33 year marriage (which is no small feat) And a celebration of your chosen current marriage to yourself. What might that look like?♡
Hmmm .... don't see a lot of males chiming in here and commenting. I think your essays speaking to the dissonance in your relationship that lead to your divorce help me better understand my former wife's decision to initiate the dissolution of your union after 32 years.
I was happy with my marriage .... well, happy and happy - it could have been better. But I was content and felt the benefits of staying together greatly outweighed the alternative and felt sticking together and working on the relationship through thick and thin was part of the deal. I never experienced my wife was never my soul mate, we never had an incredible flow chemistry, but that was never a requirement. And at the onset of our marriage I think we had great potential to grow together and extra special, soul touching connection. Didn't happen, but I was content.
The thing is - I was always married to myself. That was part of the problem and difficult for my wife to accept. We did the counseling and I was trying to modify my being to better meet her needs BUT I was not willing to lose myself in the process.
I admire my wife for divorcing me. Took a lot of guts and character. She's a wonderful person and I wish her all fortune going forward. I just wish she could have seen me and accepted me for wonderful person I am ... oh, there I go again.
I think now that she's launched and on her own she is focusing much more on herself - good for her. She seems happy and that's important. To be fair, I am also enjoying the dimensions of freedom the divorce has given me. Marriage is after all much about compromising freedoms to meet the needs of one's partner.
I love your Barcelona images! Thank you for sharing them.
Marriage and its dissolution are so complex. So individual. I've had two and emerged different each time.
I gained a lot of self-knowledge (mostly in the vain of what learning what I don't like) in my marriages. The contrast was so stark, it was undeniable. Those were the gifts of my marriages.
This is wisely said, Nneka. When we can see the gifts of our marriages, even after dissolution, there is no failure. Only a hard and yet no doubt beautiful and important lesson learned.
"I know now that I need to be my true self in order to have the emotional depth and honesty in a relationship that I long for."
This is such a powerful message! I love your vow to be married to yourself. Congratulations on the beautiful work you've done for your self-development and self-connection!
Thank you for being such a loving steadfast companion on this journey; we are stronger together 💗
Your story interests me because I wonder after so many years of marriage what it was that made you move forward into your current situation? I am on TWSW but haven’t had the time to focus solely on me yet to find the answers
Ah Darice there is so much to say on this! I will think on it & come back. So glad you are in TWSW💗
This is absolutely gorgeous, Amy: both the message and its container.
How beautifully you weave later in life lessons into your musical musings.
So much resonates for me here. May 25th would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary. As more time passes since we separated in 2020, I’m able to have so much more compassion for younger me-and for the younger version of my ex. What did we know back then?! So little. We didn’t have the wisdom of therapy and the ubiquitous knowledge that we now have at our fingertips.
We only knew the cultural expectations and the story book fairy tales that never took us into an actual relationship.
I so admire the grace with which you hold yourself and the respectful way you have navigated a friendship with your ex-husband (I keep searching for a better term than “ex.” I don’t love that term, but I haven’t found anything that is more apt)
Happy Wedding to Yourself Day, Amy! May you enjoy a long and healthy relationship with yourself, loving yourself and honoring yourself from this day forward.
Thank you Rosemary for these thoughtful & kind comments. How uncannily similar our stories are. And the best part is our newfound growth by embracing change, which is never easy—but once you begin, it gets easier over time, especially with the right support and not running from the hard feelings. As for ‘ex’ it is a less than ideal term especially after 33 years. Sounds dismissive: poof, he is ex’d out of our lives. Perhaps ‘my first long love’ or ‘my former partner’….💗
I’ve been thinking so much lately about devotion. I read recently that Virgo energy is exactly that- devotion. I am not a Virgo but relate very much to its energy. This essay made me smile and nod. Because you are displaying such devotion to yourself. You are honoring the divine vows you made as a young child to Amy and you are living into all of her. And doing it with such integrity. It’s especially nice to hear how amicable you and your ex-husband are and how you did find a new kind of harmony.
And that Rumi poem! Whooooof. Every time it snaps me back open.
Stunning photos, one again! Enjoy the rest of your time in Barcelona!
Thank you for your kind words and witnessing of young Amy and older wiser Amy finally settling into her wholeness. It is never too late. I am thoroughly in love with Barcelona, as I expected I would be. And in six days, I begin my Camino!
So much in store for you! I can't wait to hear/read ALL about it.
This is so beautiful! 🥹💖 Thanks a lot! Gracias! 🙏
As an Italian living in Barcelona, it resonated with me even more 😍😘
So glad you enjoyed it! And life in Barcelona…it seems pretty wonderful.
It is! ❤️ I have been living here for 18 years and it keeps getting better 😍
It’s stunning to watch you blossom into the whole you! Being married to ourselves first truly is, as you say, self-preservation. Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for all other relationships. And yes! It’s not too late for future romantic partners! You are such an inspiration!
Thank you Deb for your presence in my life and your teaching and guidance. It is the gift that keeps on giving:-)
I am so happy for you. Look at your smile in that photo! This line jumped out from the very start in your title, "I am married to myself first." I love how you weave the different parts of music with the different pieces of a marriage, how you use timing and rhythm in your writing to reflect your subject matter.
In the first year after my divorce, I bought myself a gorgeous antique diamond and ruby ring with the same intention - to be married to myself, and when I put it on, I vowed that I would learn to love myself first.
And thank you for the gorgeous photographs and movie recommend and music! ❤️
Thank you Jocelyn for seeing the music in my words and my metaphors for marriage. I love that you had the same intention after your divorce and that you bought yourself that beautiful ring. Perhaps I need to mark this day in a similar way. I mean, what woman doesn't need an excuse to shop in Barcelona?:-)
Congratulations Amy on choosing to be married to yourself first! Resonated with your description of the music inspired marriage from harmonious prelude to discord in your marriage back to harmony of friendship. Mirrors my experience, though I lasted 9 years before choosing to leave. And it took another decade plus for me to really learn to be married to myself first.
So, Yes, 1000 times Yes to choosing being married to oneself first!♡
As I type this I also realize in the caregiving relationship with my mother, I allowed being married to myself first to become buried. While I acknowledge it's challenging to have that not happen when being the primary caregiver for a parent when there are few additional resources to one's avail; we fell through the cracks of several services due to the constraints of rigid barriers.
At the same time, I'm learning again how to be married to me first. While it doesnt yet look like international travel, one of my great loves, it dors look like choosing to do things locally that I enjoy: taking myself to free outdoor concerts and dancing with myself (and sometimes others too), enjoying my company each morning on the sunporch while sipping tea and watching the birds, cooking myself lightly smoked salmon & serving over baby spinach (yum!)
I had hoped to take myself to France in September for my birthday, but due to mom's uncertain schedule of a needed surgery date, I canceled my trip. Irony and a reminder to myself (and others), her surgery ended up being scheduled September 17th, 4 days after my intended return. So, I could have gone! Note to self from the universe, schedule the trip!♡
So, yes, 1000 times yes to being married to oneself first!
PS. I LOVE Barcelona, especially Gaudi's architecture! Next time I go, I definitely want to go Inside the house & Sagrada Familia. So glad you're enjoying one of my favorite cities! And how marvelous Marielle calls Barcelona home♡
Thank you so much dear friend for understanding all the layers♡
So happy for you and your travels
Meet you in Barcelona one day, that would be lovely
Thank you Kristin for this thoughtful comment, to raising your glass to choosing being married to onself first, even--especially--when we face the most difficult of circumstances. I am glad you are giving yourself these daily indulgences and treats, which are not insignificant at all if they bring a smile to your face, some moments of serenity and peace. I am sorry you had to miss your birthday trip to France. While it is easy to say and harder to endure, I know there will be more travel in your future. And I'll enjoy Barcelona extra for you, dear friend. I hope we can enjoy it together one day.
Mmm…Barcelona. Happy un-anniversary to you.
"Un-anniversary"! That's a great phrase. I don't quite know how to reshape the meaning of this day; this essay is one attempt to do so.
I hear you on the re-shaping of the Un-anniversary. It has me wondering if it might become a Both/And sort of day. An acknowledgement & honoring of your 33 year marriage (which is no small feat) And a celebration of your chosen current marriage to yourself. What might that look like?♡
That is a great prompt, and one of the questions I will take with me on the Camino, which begins in SIX DAYS! I can hardly believe it is almost here.
Knowing you will carry this prompt on the Camino warms my heart. Wishing you a meaningful, wonderful filled walk. ♡