In Hawaii, embracing a sense of wonder

Two years later, I return to the island where I had The Knowing I wanted to leave my marriage and step into a new beginning. Coming full circle, the power of Goddess Pele is still as potent as ever.

Aloha friends!

Our body, our breath and our heart are one.

Nowhere is this more true for me than on the Big Island of Hawaii, where in March 2022 I arrived for a week-long, all-women yoga therapy retreat with Michelle Andrie, the founder of Ageless Move More and author of Heal.Thy Low Back. Here in Puako, a small community nestled along the Pacific Ocean, the energy of the natural world fuses with the energy of our bodies. It is impossible not to feel the pulsating rhythm of life in my muscles and in my bones and in the arches of my feet as I clamber over volcanic rock to sit with a sea turtle resting at the edge of a tide pool.

Aloha is the Hawaiian word for love, affection, peace, compassion and mercy, the everyday greeting that translates to “the breath of love” or “breath of life.” For native Hawaiians, the cultural and spiritual significance goes deeper—defining a force that holds together existence. I feel held by this island’s breath, its lullaby of love.

The wind can be fierce in Hawaii. It rises off the surface of the ocean, whooshing through the night as I sleep, stirring dreams and fears and longings, all of it carried away on the wind. The wind gives us flight and freedom but it is fickle. It can change direction in an instant, bearing us away from all that we know and love. I put my finger to the wind, trying to divine its intention but the low growl of mystery persists. It will not reveal its secrets. So I let it wash over me and lull me back into sleep and the wants and the needs of the body.

Michelle teaches us to learn the language of our bodies, slowly but deeply. We use massage balls to get into the fascia, a continuous layer of tissue that connects whole muscle groups and integrates the entire body. This myofascial release is powerful, opening tight muscles in our bodies as we breathe out fear and breathe in love. Yoga therapy recognizes that everything we have ever felt or experienced is contained in the energy system of our body. It is not unusual for one of us lying on our mats to burst into tears as a younger part of ourselves emerges, craving attention, asking to be held and soothed.

Wonder is the theme of this year’s retreat. Michelle invites us to wander with wonder this week. When anger, fear, hurt, confusion, anxiety, grief or sadness or any other difficult emotion comes up and we have that all-too human tendency to resist, she encourages us to say “Hmmm…I wonder. I wonder what this feeling or thought or ache in my body is trying to tell me. Let’s be curious about what our bodies are telling us.” She invites us to surrender, to let go, to approach ourselves and others in undefended openness. “When we come with undefended openness, magic happens.”

Two years ago my wondering at Michelle’s retreat led to an uncomfortable but certain knowing: I could no longer ignore how unhappy I was in my marriage. Six months later, I asked my ex-husband for a divorce, ending thirty-three years of marriage. I had been crossing that bridge for a long time but fear held me back. Now the knowledge held within my body had traveled to my heart and taken root. I found my courage.

The Knowing

In the week following that 2022 retreat, I rented a car and drove around the Big Island, exploring its lush vegetation, its sheer cliffs, black sand beaches and volcanoes. Everywhere I went I felt I was accompanied by Goddess Pele. She is the Fire Goddess of Hawaii, ruler of fire, lightning, volcanoes, wind, and creator of all the Hawaiian Islands. (I am an Aries, the first fire sign of the zodiac). According to legend, Pele lives in Halemaʻumaʻu of Kīlauea in Hawaiʻi Volcanoes National Park where I hiked one afternoon, stunned by a landscape like none other I had ever seen. It was like walking on the surface of the moon, I imagine, steam rising through the rock beneath my feet.

Goddess Pele

I feel Pele’s presence again, two years later. She is revered as both a creator and a destroyer, symbolizing the continuous cycle of birth, death, and rebirth. On this island I had one rebirth and I feel another beckoning, drawing from Pele’s passion, power, and fierce determination. She inspires me to tap into my own inner strength and creative potential. As I listen to the wind, look at the peaks of the volcanoes, feel the warm Pacific water curl around my feet, she reminds me of nature's awesome power, the potential for transformation, and the need to respect and live in harmony with the forces that shape our world.

This is whale season and this year they are plentiful. Last night the group of us sat and meditated at the ocean’s edge, playing whale song on a portable speaker, casting our eyes on the horizon for whales. We were rewarded for our deep attention. An adult and young humpback leapt in and out of the water, their fins flapping the water again and again, a playful display that made us laugh. I learn that whales represent a sense of spiritual guidance, power, and wisdom. When you dream of whales, as I did last night, it can signify a call to explore deeper aspects of your consciousness, encouraging the dreamer to explore their emotions, intuition, and inner wisdom.

Photo by Abigail Lynn on Unsplash

Here is my wondering for this year’s retreat: I wonder if I can be completely present. If I can, I know that I can honor my intention for the week which is to slow down. Be open and curious and accepting of whatever comes. I wonder what I am transforming into this time. As I connect to my fascia, stretch and release and breathe, the answers come. I hear the right-side masculine energy body commanding me to be productive at all costs, a struggle I described in this essay:

Doing vs Being: The Trouble with Letting Productivity Stand in For Love

I listen as the left-side feminine energy body urges me to take care of others even if it means self-sacrifice. On the first day of our retreat, I have a headache that grows in intensity and will not relent. Eventually my stomach roils with nausea. I am not well enough to join the others on a sunset beach walk and dinner by the ocean. I am disappointed but I remember my intention: to be curious and accept whatever comes. My body was telling me something. I had dug deep into discomfort in those morning hours on the mat and resistance and acceptance were waging battle. As Michelle told me the next day, the powerful work with the massage balls had released toxins. This was good, and necessary. “When we’re stuck, we get clogged up,” she said. “Toxins can’t build up in a clean, fluid, open system.”

So I listened as my body told the truth. This is what it had to say:

“I don’t want to ask or need permission of anyone or anything to do what I want—not my loved ones, not my ancestors, not society’s expectations.”

This was a radical thought, for someone like me for whom “selfish” is a potent shadow. At the end of the first day, Michelle asked us which of the three upper-level challenges were inhibiting our growth, inspired by the book The Big Leap: Conquer Your Hidden Fear and Take Life to the Next Level by Gay Hendricks. For me, it was “We dim our light for others as we don’t feel we have the right to shine brightly.” It has always been easier and more comfortable for me to let others shine their light, not sure that I deserved or had earned the spotlight, that I was talented or worthy enough to be there. For the next Big Leap in my life, I intend to blind the world with my light.

Letting my light shine does not dim anyone else’s, I realize now. There is plenty of space in the constellation for all of the stars to shine brightly. I see my light, a shimmering radiance as incandescent as the moon hanging over the Pacific Ocean.

To Michelle, my yoga sisters, the Big Island, I say “Mahalo,” thank you. I embrace this special word’s meaning: “to live in thankfulness for the abundant blessings of life.”

Pele is in my blood, and I look forward to carrying her home with me.

Question for the comments: What are you wondering about in your life? Where do you feel stuck? What helps you get unstuck?

Three Songs for 3D

Divorce

“A Place in the Sun,” Jake Shimabukaro

Dementia

“Over the Rainbow,” Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole

Destiny

“Hawaii Aloha,” Mana Maoli Collective