Lasting longer than my marriage, across decades and distance, the bonds I have with my women friends are the ballast that keep me afloat. They are my home.
GAH, I love this so much-from the near forever bonds with your 12 year old Barbara Bestie to the unique bond that can develop between women who got sober together; to the very special friendship that can be between mothers and grown daughters. All are a treasure.
Your post reminds me of that Girl Scout saying/song:, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other gold."
I especially enjoyed the pictures of you and your group and of you and your girls. Thanks for sharing those.
I wonder what the statistics are on the length of women friendships versus marriages. I think we both would have a good guess. Also, can you believe my childhood best friend (our mothers were BFFS, so we literally knew each other since we were born!) is also named Barbara? Sober Synchronicities abound.
Oh Amy, this is so lovely. I could write a book on my friendships with women. I used to have such a hard time being close to girls and women. I thought I didn't know how to make friends. I think part of it was I was so wounded, I didn't know how to ask and how to allow someone to really be my friend. I have one friendship that ended when I left the Costa Rica because I didn't understand how much she loved me. That pains me, but as the years go by, that experience has helped me see myself better and learn to allow female friends in and recognize our value to each other. Priceless. Truly. Thank you for sharing this. It inspires me to do a piece on honoring all my women friends. 💖
Thank you Jocelyn for this thoughtful comment. Friendships among girls & women can be complex. And hurtful and difficult. While my overall experience has been a loving positive and accepting one, there are certainly stories I could share of friendships where I got hurt, or inadvertently (or even selfishly out of my own weakness) hurt a friend. But isn’t that the way of a love story? To be believable it has to have its dark side, too. I am so glad this topic inspired you & look forward to reading your perspective on it. I am glad to count you as a new friend💗
I love the way you share of the many female friendships you’ve had over your life and the impact it’s had in your life. I feel the same about the many female friendships I’ve been blessed with. This is an area of my life where I feel most abundant. Enriched with incredible women from all over, met in so many different circles. They truly are the greatest love story.
I was just talking this week to another friend of mine. She and I were both commenting on how we are somewhat worried for our husbands. Because they don't maintain close connections the way us females do. They may get together to watch a ball game but it's not the same. The conversations don't go deep. I know this isn't true of all men (don't mean to generalize here) but reading this made me feel that same way. There is just something about female friendships that are magical. I loved reading about yours, Amy.
I am grateful to know you and call you a friend. Despite never having met you IRL, I feel quite connected to you through our writings and interactions here. Thanks for being a true friend to so many, Amy.
My calendar is marked! I look forward to the Zoom on 2/4
Thank you, girlfriend for chiming in here! You know I feel the sane way about you. And yes, I understand the sorrow we feel for men in our lives who don’t have that level of friendship. Glad to know you’ll be there on the 4th.
Just love this piece so much, and not only because of the special mention ;-). Your sentiments regarding the importance of prioritizing and maintaining friendships resonate so deeply. You are in a class of your own when it comes to doing so through time and space. A true role model for all of us.
Must also comment on the beauty of your writing which is so eloquent, so compassionate, so engaging. So happy and proud to be able to call you my friend <3
Barbara, this makes me so happy especially from you my OG friend, where it all began! (I was destined to have another ‘Barbie’ in my life who was my bestie💗). Thank you for the kind words. This was one of the easiest & most pleasurable essays I’ve written because it just flowed from the heart. So glad you received it that way.
I agree with Kristin that this is such a beautiful tribute to your soul sisters and to the female friendships in your life. Like all who have known you over the years, Amy, I marvel at your ability to hold your female friends close to your heart. Your ability to connect, not only broadly but deeply, generously, and consistently with your friends, is your super power. I am so grateful that we have renewed our friendship after all those years when we were living far apart, and that we have deepened our connection and understanding in such a way that elevates our existence and spirits. Thanks for always being there for me and being my champion and soul bestie. Love you so much! I wish you many more interesting and fulfilling new friendships as you embark on your adventures in Europe very soon.
Amen to soul sisters! Have them scattered all over the place from adolescence to work, yoga and co-located women friends. Don’t collect tons of friends but a couple that really stick in most circumstances!
Thanks Donna for commenting and letting me know how much you value soul sisters, too. All we need is one or two that really stick in most circumstances:-)
Dear Amy, what a beautiful tribute to your soul sisters and depth of friendships sustained across the years!
I marvel at your ability to remain closely connected to so many. 🙏🩷
I do stay in touch, but it's often in the moment and not always consistent. Though my friend Sarah & I have a phone call once a week and we've sustained that since 2019, prior to that was every other week visits for 2 years.
Thanks to FB, several childhood/teen years/college friends and I got back in touch. The pandemic was actually a gift for being more in touch as more of us were home & had time.
As I reflect honestly with myself, I notice a pattern of what I'd call almost "serial monogamy" in friendship. Where one person would become the center of my universe. I'm realizing in real time as I type that this probably stems from the unbalanced flipped relationship with my mother + seeking to be "special" to someone. Whew!
I'm grateful to have lots of what I'd call deep "acquaintanceships" (in the age of FB, 'friend' has become watered down for me) and several deep friendships too. I only have a few whom I'd consider texting day or night. I've often beat myself up over not having frequent consistent contact with numerous friends across the decades.
I also acknowledge how much my life, and in turn I, have evolved over the years. There are friends with whom I no longer have anything in common. There are friends with whom I/we were trauma bonded. Etc...
Hmm, as I continue to reflect and write in real time, I'm realizing maybe I do stay in touch more than I give myself credit for. I'm in recovery mode from the intensive caregiving of my mom and so much fell away during that time. I know you understand this.
Thank you Amy for modeling what friendship connection looks like. Looking forward to seeing you in Barcelona, though I'm unsure when. I'm also re-learning how to schedule longer travel.
With loads of love and thank you for your friendship and patience and grace.
Thank you Kristin for this thoughtful comment, how lovely your bond with your friend Sarah. That's an important realization about the way your relationship with your mother influenced your friendships. That makes sense. As for deep acquaintanceships, I know those as well (and I hope you know I'm down for you texting me day or night--seriously. You're that important to me). We may not be in touch as often as I'd like (or either of us would like) but I know our connections are rich, and deep and giving when they do happen. And yes, during caregiving so much can fall away, including friendships. But the ones that stick--they will stick around, for sure. My door in Barcelona will be open whenever you find your way there. Lots of love!
Sending so much love as you move, so very soon. Im available for a call this week. Honestly, sometimes I don't reach out because I've been struggling so that Ive not had the reserves. 🙏
Amy, this is a beautiful love letter to your female friendships. I’ve known you for a short time virtually yet it feels longer, and I notice your “ability to listen and to give of myself as well as receive love and support from others.” I admire how you do this with thoughtful kindness and no pretense.
Many of my female friendships have changed over the last few years as I’ve changed and become more true to myself. I’ve lost some friends who don’t like the new me who speaks up for her beliefs. In truthfulness, I think I’m the one that has pulled away.
I remain close with my best friends since high school (one is a man). We’ve been together through so much. There were times where we didn’t see each other for years, but it’s like no time passed at all when we are together again. I love them with all my heart and always will.
I feel like I’ve entered a new phase of friendships where I’m able to be open, to truly show myself to others (now that I better know who I am) and in turn to get to know others deeply. I find I’m spending more time with people who want to do the same.
I’m so happy to have met you, and to call you a friend. ❤️
Thank you Tracey for your thoughtful comment and kind words. I am grateful for our virtual friendship, too, connected by our love of writing and the wonderful guidance of Jeannine Ouellette in Writing in the Dark. I think it's amazing you have a close male friendship, that is more unusual for women, I believe, but wonderful when it happens. I know what you mean that when we are with our lifelong friends, long periods of separation vanish once we're reunited. There is all that history, and appreciation of one another, just as we are. I am happy to call you a friend, too!
Our friendship and your approach to friendship is a gift to me too, as your daughter. And I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance and tenacity of female friendships as I’ve been absorbed by the Elena Ferrante series you got me hooked on, starting with the novel My Brilliant Friend. I can highly recommend that series of four books for your readers as a reflection on the ebb and flow of female friendship in the context of both local and global history, and how our friends also serve as valuable educators at every stage of our development. Books 2-4 are waiting for you in Barcelona! 📚
Thank you my dear daughter for this lovely comment and yes, I am so excited to continue the Ferrantes series so we can discuss it. The ‘tenacity’ of friendship is a great way to put it. Love you!💗
GAH, I love this so much-from the near forever bonds with your 12 year old Barbara Bestie to the unique bond that can develop between women who got sober together; to the very special friendship that can be between mothers and grown daughters. All are a treasure.
Your post reminds me of that Girl Scout saying/song:, “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, and the other gold."
I especially enjoyed the pictures of you and your group and of you and your girls. Thanks for sharing those.
I wonder what the statistics are on the length of women friendships versus marriages. I think we both would have a good guess. Also, can you believe my childhood best friend (our mothers were BFFS, so we literally knew each other since we were born!) is also named Barbara? Sober Synchronicities abound.
Oh Amy, this is so lovely. I could write a book on my friendships with women. I used to have such a hard time being close to girls and women. I thought I didn't know how to make friends. I think part of it was I was so wounded, I didn't know how to ask and how to allow someone to really be my friend. I have one friendship that ended when I left the Costa Rica because I didn't understand how much she loved me. That pains me, but as the years go by, that experience has helped me see myself better and learn to allow female friends in and recognize our value to each other. Priceless. Truly. Thank you for sharing this. It inspires me to do a piece on honoring all my women friends. 💖
Thank you Jocelyn for this thoughtful comment. Friendships among girls & women can be complex. And hurtful and difficult. While my overall experience has been a loving positive and accepting one, there are certainly stories I could share of friendships where I got hurt, or inadvertently (or even selfishly out of my own weakness) hurt a friend. But isn’t that the way of a love story? To be believable it has to have its dark side, too. I am so glad this topic inspired you & look forward to reading your perspective on it. I am glad to count you as a new friend💗
Hi Amy. Loved this essay ❤️. How do we sign up for your monthly zoom calls?
As a paid subscriber you will get the zoom details a few days before and on the day too😀
I love the way you share of the many female friendships you’ve had over your life and the impact it’s had in your life. I feel the same about the many female friendships I’ve been blessed with. This is an area of my life where I feel most abundant. Enriched with incredible women from all over, met in so many different circles. They truly are the greatest love story.
I was just talking this week to another friend of mine. She and I were both commenting on how we are somewhat worried for our husbands. Because they don't maintain close connections the way us females do. They may get together to watch a ball game but it's not the same. The conversations don't go deep. I know this isn't true of all men (don't mean to generalize here) but reading this made me feel that same way. There is just something about female friendships that are magical. I loved reading about yours, Amy.
I am grateful to know you and call you a friend. Despite never having met you IRL, I feel quite connected to you through our writings and interactions here. Thanks for being a true friend to so many, Amy.
My calendar is marked! I look forward to the Zoom on 2/4
Thank you, girlfriend for chiming in here! You know I feel the sane way about you. And yes, I understand the sorrow we feel for men in our lives who don’t have that level of friendship. Glad to know you’ll be there on the 4th.
Just love this piece so much, and not only because of the special mention ;-). Your sentiments regarding the importance of prioritizing and maintaining friendships resonate so deeply. You are in a class of your own when it comes to doing so through time and space. A true role model for all of us.
Must also comment on the beauty of your writing which is so eloquent, so compassionate, so engaging. So happy and proud to be able to call you my friend <3
Barbara, this makes me so happy especially from you my OG friend, where it all began! (I was destined to have another ‘Barbie’ in my life who was my bestie💗). Thank you for the kind words. This was one of the easiest & most pleasurable essays I’ve written because it just flowed from the heart. So glad you received it that way.
I agree with Kristin that this is such a beautiful tribute to your soul sisters and to the female friendships in your life. Like all who have known you over the years, Amy, I marvel at your ability to hold your female friends close to your heart. Your ability to connect, not only broadly but deeply, generously, and consistently with your friends, is your super power. I am so grateful that we have renewed our friendship after all those years when we were living far apart, and that we have deepened our connection and understanding in such a way that elevates our existence and spirits. Thanks for always being there for me and being my champion and soul bestie. Love you so much! I wish you many more interesting and fulfilling new friendships as you embark on your adventures in Europe very soon.
What a beautiful heartfelt comment that touches me so; thank you Louisa. I too am glad of our deepened soul bestie connection. Here for you always
Amen to soul sisters! Have them scattered all over the place from adolescence to work, yoga and co-located women friends. Don’t collect tons of friends but a couple that really stick in most circumstances!
Thanks Donna for commenting and letting me know how much you value soul sisters, too. All we need is one or two that really stick in most circumstances:-)
Dear Amy, what a beautiful tribute to your soul sisters and depth of friendships sustained across the years!
I marvel at your ability to remain closely connected to so many. 🙏🩷
I do stay in touch, but it's often in the moment and not always consistent. Though my friend Sarah & I have a phone call once a week and we've sustained that since 2019, prior to that was every other week visits for 2 years.
Thanks to FB, several childhood/teen years/college friends and I got back in touch. The pandemic was actually a gift for being more in touch as more of us were home & had time.
As I reflect honestly with myself, I notice a pattern of what I'd call almost "serial monogamy" in friendship. Where one person would become the center of my universe. I'm realizing in real time as I type that this probably stems from the unbalanced flipped relationship with my mother + seeking to be "special" to someone. Whew!
I'm grateful to have lots of what I'd call deep "acquaintanceships" (in the age of FB, 'friend' has become watered down for me) and several deep friendships too. I only have a few whom I'd consider texting day or night. I've often beat myself up over not having frequent consistent contact with numerous friends across the decades.
I also acknowledge how much my life, and in turn I, have evolved over the years. There are friends with whom I no longer have anything in common. There are friends with whom I/we were trauma bonded. Etc...
Hmm, as I continue to reflect and write in real time, I'm realizing maybe I do stay in touch more than I give myself credit for. I'm in recovery mode from the intensive caregiving of my mom and so much fell away during that time. I know you understand this.
Thank you Amy for modeling what friendship connection looks like. Looking forward to seeing you in Barcelona, though I'm unsure when. I'm also re-learning how to schedule longer travel.
With loads of love and thank you for your friendship and patience and grace.
Thank you Kristin for this thoughtful comment, how lovely your bond with your friend Sarah. That's an important realization about the way your relationship with your mother influenced your friendships. That makes sense. As for deep acquaintanceships, I know those as well (and I hope you know I'm down for you texting me day or night--seriously. You're that important to me). We may not be in touch as often as I'd like (or either of us would like) but I know our connections are rich, and deep and giving when they do happen. And yes, during caregiving so much can fall away, including friendships. But the ones that stick--they will stick around, for sure. My door in Barcelona will be open whenever you find your way there. Lots of love!
Thank you dear one!
Sending so much love as you move, so very soon. Im available for a call this week. Honestly, sometimes I don't reach out because I've been struggling so that Ive not had the reserves. 🙏
And I do understand that. Take care of YOU first. Sometimes all we can do is a day, an hour, a moment at at time.
Amy, this is a beautiful love letter to your female friendships. I’ve known you for a short time virtually yet it feels longer, and I notice your “ability to listen and to give of myself as well as receive love and support from others.” I admire how you do this with thoughtful kindness and no pretense.
Many of my female friendships have changed over the last few years as I’ve changed and become more true to myself. I’ve lost some friends who don’t like the new me who speaks up for her beliefs. In truthfulness, I think I’m the one that has pulled away.
I remain close with my best friends since high school (one is a man). We’ve been together through so much. There were times where we didn’t see each other for years, but it’s like no time passed at all when we are together again. I love them with all my heart and always will.
I feel like I’ve entered a new phase of friendships where I’m able to be open, to truly show myself to others (now that I better know who I am) and in turn to get to know others deeply. I find I’m spending more time with people who want to do the same.
I’m so happy to have met you, and to call you a friend. ❤️
Thank you Tracey for your thoughtful comment and kind words. I am grateful for our virtual friendship, too, connected by our love of writing and the wonderful guidance of Jeannine Ouellette in Writing in the Dark. I think it's amazing you have a close male friendship, that is more unusual for women, I believe, but wonderful when it happens. I know what you mean that when we are with our lifelong friends, long periods of separation vanish once we're reunited. There is all that history, and appreciation of one another, just as we are. I am happy to call you a friend, too!
Our friendship and your approach to friendship is a gift to me too, as your daughter. And I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance and tenacity of female friendships as I’ve been absorbed by the Elena Ferrante series you got me hooked on, starting with the novel My Brilliant Friend. I can highly recommend that series of four books for your readers as a reflection on the ebb and flow of female friendship in the context of both local and global history, and how our friends also serve as valuable educators at every stage of our development. Books 2-4 are waiting for you in Barcelona! 📚
Thank you my dear daughter for this lovely comment and yes, I am so excited to continue the Ferrantes series so we can discuss it. The ‘tenacity’ of friendship is a great way to put it. Love you!💗