Exit The Drama Triangle And Find Peace

Lessons learned from striving for a "good divorce."

Last week I wrote about “what a good divorce looks like” and the seven steps I took toward making that happen. I think it’s worth breaking down one of these encounters with my ex-husband during the fraught period of negotiating our Marital Settlement Agreement (MSA) to share more precisely how I navigated the situation and also to remind myself how far I have come in a year.

This particular breakthrough conversation with my ex occurred almost exactly a year ago. It was the second of our conversations about the MSA. When I sat across from him in the kitchen in the house I was preparing to give up in exchange for my share of the equity, I felt calm, prepared and soul-centered. It helped that I had spent time at the beach on my way over to the house. The ocean is where I find my center, where I breathe most deeply. I sat on the sand, watched the setting sun, listened to the waves and did some belly (diaphragmatic) breathing and saying softly to myself, “You are okay.” (This video with yoga therapist Michelle Andrie is an excellent guide to understanding the power of true diaphragmatic breathing to center ourselves).

Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

Sitting across from my ex, that calm remained as I pulled out the piece of paper where I had written some notes. I began to explain how I viewed the negotiation and what I wanted to achieve. When he interrupted me, I asked him to please let me finish and he did. He listened to my counter offer. I think he was relieved that I was compromising on an important aspect of our agreement, and so he readily compromised on another key element that was critical to me. Relief filled the room. I know I exhaled and I suspect he did, too. I sensed his gratitude and a positive energy that wasn’t there in our discussion a week earlier when we were locked in our respective positions. This time, we reached out to each other for a hug. This ability to be amicable in the ending of us as husband and wife was as important to me as our financial settlement.

I knew that some of my friends were against my decision to meet with him and negotiate in person, recommending that I leave it entirely to email exchanges and our respective lawyers. They feared I would be manipulated and were more comfortable if I kept him strictly walled off in the enemy camp. But I didn't want to remain stuck in The Drama Triangle then, and I still don’t.

The Drama Triangle is a model of dysfunctional social interactions and describes a power game revolving around three roles: Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor. Initially introduced by psychiatrist Stephen B. Karpman during the 1960s, each role represents a common and ineffective response to conflict. See the illustration below as adapted by Deb Blum, founder of The Whole Soul Way and an interesting discussion of how to escape the triangle on this podcast with Deb Blum and Beth Rowles, founder and CEO of The Family Alchemists.

It's no fun being stuck in the Drama Triangle. It doesn't feel good in there. That's where I had been the previous week in our discussion. I was the Victim, he the Persecutor, and I am sure he felt he was in the Victim role. In most conflicts, whether in a couple or family dynamic, most of us shift from aggressor to victim to rescuer and around again in a no-win scenario. The key to breaking out of the drama triangle is to take 100% responsibility for your own actions and their consequences and to ask: am I acting in integrity with myself? We want to shift out of the role and into the present moment.

That night sitting across from my ex I realized we hadn’t entered the Drama Triangle at all. We had skirted it, avoiding those all-too familiar roles that kept us stuck in so many previous discussions and arguments. I was optimistic for the first time in months that we would settle our divorce without mediation. And just a week later, we did.

That evening, I didn’t sense vindictiveness or excessive protectiveness from him. Nor did I lose courage or clarity as some of my friends feared. I saw instead the man with whom I have shared 33 years of married life, with whom I raised two beautiful daughters who will always be our connective tissue. He was not the villain nor was I the victim. We were two people with our individual desires and needs and wants, none of which were bad or wrong but simply what they were. We were two people trying to come to a place of compromise. And we got there. The introspection and self-inquiry I had been doing for many months served me well. Instead of being stuck in the Drama Triangle, I remained centered in the Circle of Body, Breath and Heart.

Three Songs for 3-D

Divorce

“The Circle Game,” Joni Mitchell

We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return, we can only look
Behind, from where we came
And go round and round and round, in the circle game

Dementia

“Somewhere Only We Know,” Keane

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Destiny

“Beautiful,” Carole King

You've got to get up every morning

With a smile on your face
And show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
You're gonna find, yes you will
That you're beautiful as you feel