In the aftermath of great loss, I get curious about the afterlife, hug some trees, look for signs in the form of gopher turtles and pelicans and find other ways to lighten my heavy heart.
Such a beautiful tribute to Freda. I can feel that her spirit and all her wonderful qualities continue to live in you and your lovely daughters, in your animated way of celebrating the marvelous woman/mother/grandmother that she was. I like that you included the song "Remember Me" (I haven't seen the Disney move but...) It reminds me of Día de los Muertos, and by extention, the Tomb Sweeping Day in the Chinese culture. In both Latin and Asian cultures, we have days to celebrate and commemorate our ancestors. For us, the spirit of the deceased are very much with us, and I believe such celebratory holidays help us process our grief regularly, in company of all the people connected to the dead. I love your sighting of a yellow buttefly after you mother passed on. I continue to hold you in my thoughts dearly, every day, and I look forward to celebrating Freda with you and your family next month.
"My mother was my home and I was hers." So beautiful, Amy. I send such love and care your way as you walk through this new kind of homesickness. I love how you shared with us the special ways your daughters lay tribute to their wonderful grandmother. The earthly connections and the heartfelt words of poetry. Both in and from you, too. Three generations of love - you all have your own role in it.
And those songs - wow. New to me and felt so deeply. The Time and Space one brought tears to my eyes.
I treasure your writing and look forward to your evolution as you continue to write the best way it feels for you.
Dearest Amy - BIGGEST hugs. Possibly the worst part of the situation we had with Dad was just how long the hypervigilance, primed-state, hamster-wheel of angst and caring went on. Dad and I had MANY conversations and I think he knew I was near-praying for his release and death in the last 6-8 months of his life. I'm sharing that here with you because I think this vulnerable share will land softly, albeit abruptly, in the right place.
MANY people suffer the same guilt because these days, diabetes, congestive heart failure and dementia are long-term chronic illnesses requiring long-term care. They don't appear singly but have many symptoms that need to be managed. Ours happened to be bladder cancer.
I have to repeatedly forgive myself for the things I said to myself and inside because thankfully, with the resources and support I found, I can self-compassionately care for myself, too.
But guilt IS grief for me. It's wrapped up in the love of my Dad. In the care, I gave him 24/7, wishing him release from pain/loss of his own autonomy faculties AND guilt that I'm relieved when he passed and relief that I could focus on Mum getting the surgery and treatment 16 days post-funeral.
It's all wrapped interwoven and part of the love-grief-persevering that just reminds me of how much it means to me & I value...pain does that. May I offer that the weight you feel is the depth of the love you feel and is a statement of fact? Accepting and hugging that, itself is the hardest part....
BIG hugs P.S I love these songs - all new discoveries for me!
Victoria, I so appreciate your thoughtful comment and sharing the experience you had caring for your Dad--I can understand the guilt in wanting the relief for our loved ones when they are suffering so much near the end of life, and that sometimes the relief is the final release of death. And yes, that we feel relief in that moment, too, for them and for us, can induce guilt. But as you say, it is all part of the love and the depth of care. I am seeing that now. And I am so glad I could introduce you to some new music!
Your phrase "writing for me and you" is so sincere and affects the beating of my heart. Each of your posts contains thoughts, ideas, and comforts I need at that very moment. You have become part of my life. Thank you.
Oh, Lydia, this touches me deeply. It is why I write each and every week and why I think this space is sparking some of the most important and valuable connections I have ever made with my writing. Thank you for being part of this community and being part of my life, too. Wishing you well, with peace and much love in your own role as caregiver.
I especially loved, 'it was your role to love her' < and oh, how you loved and still love your mom, so beautifully, so fully. ♡♡♡
I also love Marielle's take, it is what I've always,believed too. We carry pieces of those we love in our hearts forever and in our ways of being in this world.
What helps me with guilt is to, as you described, ask 'what story am I telling myself in that guilt? Is that story helpful? Would that person tell that story about me?" Pretty sure, nope. ♡♡♡♡
I look forward to at some point in time, exploring Hello Again with you. ♡♡♡
Thank you Kristin for this loving & thoughtful comment and those incisive questions about the stories we tell ourselves about guilt. I look forward to exploring’Hello Again’ with you.
Beautiful. I love Marielle’s poem too. Grief is such a complicated thing. I can still sob so easily at the loss of my own mum, decades ago. I used to be frustrated with myself for crying ‘so easily’ and now I’m aware that I don’t need to get over it or move on. My love for her remains just that. Love. All these years later. You’ve loved your mum for so many years. All that love! It’s a marvellous thing.
I like very much too your words on guilt. And how it’s a need to make things perfect, again because of love.
Deana, thanks for your words of empathy and understanding. We feel less alone when others share what grief and loss have meant to them and how we all move through it individually and yet with so many experiences that are universally shared. But when there is abundant love, it is so much easier to move through it and beyond it to a peaceful acceptance.
Ah thank you Louisa for this loving comment and sharing how different cultures look at the spirit world. It is fascinating & comforting.
Such a beautiful tribute to Freda. I can feel that her spirit and all her wonderful qualities continue to live in you and your lovely daughters, in your animated way of celebrating the marvelous woman/mother/grandmother that she was. I like that you included the song "Remember Me" (I haven't seen the Disney move but...) It reminds me of Día de los Muertos, and by extention, the Tomb Sweeping Day in the Chinese culture. In both Latin and Asian cultures, we have days to celebrate and commemorate our ancestors. For us, the spirit of the deceased are very much with us, and I believe such celebratory holidays help us process our grief regularly, in company of all the people connected to the dead. I love your sighting of a yellow buttefly after you mother passed on. I continue to hold you in my thoughts dearly, every day, and I look forward to celebrating Freda with you and your family next month.
Such a beautiful piece, Amy. Thank you for sharing so openly.
Thank you Julie!
"My mother was my home and I was hers." So beautiful, Amy. I send such love and care your way as you walk through this new kind of homesickness. I love how you shared with us the special ways your daughters lay tribute to their wonderful grandmother. The earthly connections and the heartfelt words of poetry. Both in and from you, too. Three generations of love - you all have your own role in it.
And those songs - wow. New to me and felt so deeply. The Time and Space one brought tears to my eyes.
I treasure your writing and look forward to your evolution as you continue to write the best way it feels for you.
Allison, your heartfelt comments lift my spirits. Thank you for reading and commenting with your whole heart. 💗
Dearest Amy - BIGGEST hugs. Possibly the worst part of the situation we had with Dad was just how long the hypervigilance, primed-state, hamster-wheel of angst and caring went on. Dad and I had MANY conversations and I think he knew I was near-praying for his release and death in the last 6-8 months of his life. I'm sharing that here with you because I think this vulnerable share will land softly, albeit abruptly, in the right place.
MANY people suffer the same guilt because these days, diabetes, congestive heart failure and dementia are long-term chronic illnesses requiring long-term care. They don't appear singly but have many symptoms that need to be managed. Ours happened to be bladder cancer.
I have to repeatedly forgive myself for the things I said to myself and inside because thankfully, with the resources and support I found, I can self-compassionately care for myself, too.
But guilt IS grief for me. It's wrapped up in the love of my Dad. In the care, I gave him 24/7, wishing him release from pain/loss of his own autonomy faculties AND guilt that I'm relieved when he passed and relief that I could focus on Mum getting the surgery and treatment 16 days post-funeral.
It's all wrapped interwoven and part of the love-grief-persevering that just reminds me of how much it means to me & I value...pain does that. May I offer that the weight you feel is the depth of the love you feel and is a statement of fact? Accepting and hugging that, itself is the hardest part....
BIG hugs P.S I love these songs - all new discoveries for me!
Victoria, I so appreciate your thoughtful comment and sharing the experience you had caring for your Dad--I can understand the guilt in wanting the relief for our loved ones when they are suffering so much near the end of life, and that sometimes the relief is the final release of death. And yes, that we feel relief in that moment, too, for them and for us, can induce guilt. But as you say, it is all part of the love and the depth of care. I am seeing that now. And I am so glad I could introduce you to some new music!
We are a continuous work in progress. ❤️ xo
Your phrase "writing for me and you" is so sincere and affects the beating of my heart. Each of your posts contains thoughts, ideas, and comforts I need at that very moment. You have become part of my life. Thank you.
Oh, Lydia, this touches me deeply. It is why I write each and every week and why I think this space is sparking some of the most important and valuable connections I have ever made with my writing. Thank you for being part of this community and being part of my life, too. Wishing you well, with peace and much love in your own role as caregiver.
Dear Amy, hearing you on all the layers♡
I especially loved, 'it was your role to love her' < and oh, how you loved and still love your mom, so beautifully, so fully. ♡♡♡
I also love Marielle's take, it is what I've always,believed too. We carry pieces of those we love in our hearts forever and in our ways of being in this world.
What helps me with guilt is to, as you described, ask 'what story am I telling myself in that guilt? Is that story helpful? Would that person tell that story about me?" Pretty sure, nope. ♡♡♡♡
I look forward to at some point in time, exploring Hello Again with you. ♡♡♡
With lots of gentle hugs,
Kristin
Thank you Kristin for this loving & thoughtful comment and those incisive questions about the stories we tell ourselves about guilt. I look forward to exploring’Hello Again’ with you.
I look forward as well.🙏🩷🤗
Beautiful. I love Marielle’s poem too. Grief is such a complicated thing. I can still sob so easily at the loss of my own mum, decades ago. I used to be frustrated with myself for crying ‘so easily’ and now I’m aware that I don’t need to get over it or move on. My love for her remains just that. Love. All these years later. You’ve loved your mum for so many years. All that love! It’s a marvellous thing.
I like very much too your words on guilt. And how it’s a need to make things perfect, again because of love.
Sending you my love and lots of hugs. X
Deana, thanks for your words of empathy and understanding. We feel less alone when others share what grief and loss have meant to them and how we all move through it individually and yet with so many experiences that are universally shared. But when there is abundant love, it is so much easier to move through it and beyond it to a peaceful acceptance.