Human beings. Not human doings. Story of my life . And my new “project “ is more being. But of course, it’s a project! Something to do! i thought for a long time it proved worthiness. But now I think it might honestly be the way I demonstrate superiority. (Which of course demonstrates a fear of inferiority or insecurity.) So now, at 70, I am considering my need to feel superior. When i slow down and get away from so much striving and producing, especially when I get out in nature, my whole system reboots and I tend to soften and not need to be the smarty pants! 🤣 It might have made for a more joyful life to have given that up years ago. But we all have our destiny. And here I am. Happy to “ be here now”, as Ram Dass would say. Thanks for the stories! They resonate like birdsong.
Alecia, how lovely to meet you! Welcome! Thank you for sharing your own experience of the struggle to ‘be’ rather than ‘do.’ I think awareness is half the battle. And as for the feeling that one is learning a lesson later in life, perhaps a season for everything? That knowledge comes to us when we’re ready and open to it. I celebrate that I am a lifelong learner, seeker, explorer. As I see you are, too. Thank you kindly for the birdsong compliment; nothing sweeter than that💗
Oh, I can relate to so much of this, Amy. Especially the idea of the self-imposed expectations or deadlines. I can so easily put all kinds of pressure on myself to get a "task" done - and when I step away from it and take a breath, I see that I am the only one who really is catastrophizing over it being left undone. It's maddening sometimes!
Also - that idea of a trust fall with oneself. Like if I let all the balls fall today, can I be ok with that? It's something I am consciously trying to lean into. I appreciate your beautiful articulation of all of this!
Have you read the book, All the Gold Stars: Reimagining Ambition and All the Ways We Strive by Rainesford Stauffer? It looks at how the cultural, personal, and societal expectations around ambition are causing extreme burnout and the role that plays when it comes to our individual self-worth, productivity, limiting our imaginations, and causing us to feel alone, etc. There's a lot of overlap there with what you write about so eloquently here.
I resonate so much with what you wrote here, Amy, and our experiences are just so uncannily similar, down to the part about being a breadwinner through the entirety of my marriage.
I'm rejoicing and cheering for you that you are scaling down the Supersized productivity in you. I read what Marie commented above and think that it is a fine distinction between normal productivity and hyperproductivity. I wish to add that the intention behind "doing" makes all the difference. We cannot live without doing, otherwise we'll become perpetual couch potatoes, but when we do things based on alignment with our soul and integrity in the moment, as you described so beautifully in this essay, then it makes all the difference in our experience of the doing. We no longer "do" because of a hidden agenda, such as to please others in order to get acceptance, connection, and validation of our goodness. We "do" because we truly desire to and enjoy the process of doing.
As Rick Ruben suggests in his book "The Creative Act," lower the stake of art creation and consider the process "playing." I think if we could apply that concept to how we "do life" or "live life," we can experience the abundance of it in the space of play.
As I read your essay, I couldn't help but ponder about the origin of my hyperproductivity trait, and I think part of it came from my parents' modeling. Because they escaped poverty and were determined to move up the social ladder with the opportunity they got after migration, they instilled the spirit of diligence and productivity in me. Besides, it's very much considered a virtue in my culture. When you grow up in such an environment, you never question how this approach to life could create imbalance as we get older. For me, it took many rounds of burnout and health crises to understand what hyperproductivity did to me, and how leaning into my "enoughness" can help from the root level.
This morning, I just read Mark Nepo's entry that you quoted and I thought of mentioning it, but you already included it here. Yay!
I resonated with so much of this. Thanks for putting so beautifully in writing this drive for productivity as an expression of wanting acceptance and love, and the actionable advice you give to challenge that. One way I’ve been trying to slow down and reduce expectations on myself lately is by practicing gratitude, which helps me stay present and recognize that I am already loved, I don’t need to do more to be loved.
Thank you for this beautiful and thoughtful comment, Marielle. Gratitude practice is a very powerful way to access an appreciation for the moment we are enjoying right now and for the people in our lives that we love, and to get to the purest essence of whatever we are doing. I am shifting my thinking around writing work I do which isn't the writing I am passionate about but which affords me the opportunity to do so much of what I love, which is to travel, to take stimulating courses for my inner growth, and much more. So I can practice gratitude that way, too. And I am very grateful for you and your sister, every day.
Dear Amy, in my life I have been restless when not consciously occupied with things to do: to advance in student/employed/creative life; to be useful to my family; to meet inbuilt expectations planted by my family/social history. There is a place, easily achieved, where one can give up being in thrall to these things and be, for a short time, completely non-responsible to self and others--when receiving (in my case) a rigorous Thai Massage for 90 minutes, which I have, weekly. In the right circumstances and with the right practitioner, one can be as a babe again, totally receiving and no expectation of giving. And, this helps keep the joints and tissues from locking up too soon...
What a wise and wonderful comment, Ron! And we think alike, because just yesterday I had a wonderful 90 minute massage. After years of not taking the time for massages, I have now subscribed for monthly massages. This is a delicious way to slow down. I aspire to being less in thrall to expectations, my own and those of others. I aspire to be more like you!
Dear Amy, I turned 66 this year and have been a caregiver for my true love for the past 10 years as he moves into the later stages of Lewy, body dementia, and Parkinson’s. I think I have always had high expectations of myself and others, reading your blog, which was difficult for me Was a gentle reminder to live in The now I struggle, and perhaps even disagree with the equation that productivity = less self love. I write this for a few reasons. Getting things done is a form of occupational therapy that can nourish the soul when things are off kilter it reminds you of what you are capable of. Doing for others is another tool to distract the mind from less healthy thoughts. Being helpful which is in my world the highest form of selflessness can be so affirming and generate new relationships and self-love. So I will continue to muddle along this path of trying to do it all and live in the moment. I think they are flip sides of the same coin and have value either way you look at it. It depends where you are standing or sitting or lying. Have a wonderful leap year February.
Marie, thank you for taking the time to comment. First, my heart goes out to you in the care you have given to your true love and I witness the love and responsibility involved in that caregiving. I see your point about productivity and I think that is why, later in this essay, I use the term "hyperproductivity" because there is a distinction and one I now think I did not make carefully enough. I think productivity is essential and healthy, as you say, getting things done can be a form of therapy and feel very satisfying to the soul. So I did not mean to negate the value of being helpful--only to always be watchful for when we are out of balance in helping others so much that we do not help ourselves. As an Enneagram 2 personality, The Helper or Giver, I have to watch for this. I will honor obligations to others before I honor the ones to myself and that can be a slippery slope. As for the productivity, I think it is along the lines of what I responded to Kristi below, on perfectionism. There is maladaptive productivity, where it is out of balance with the other parts of our identity and we are constantly chasing the next thing to be done and, in my case, distracting myself often from the harder parts of life or the challenges I don't want to face. When I get hyperproductive, that's always a sign for me to look inwards and take time to ask my inner child, what do you need that you're not getting as I rush a mile a minute to check off my to-do list? Here's to both muddling along this path. I think having the awareness is the most important thing.
So related to this. The perfectionist who had to get good grades, who was the first to go to college, who kept it all together, whose worthiness was tied to accomplishment. You’re beginning to learn what I am learning—that I’m enough just as I am.
Thanks Kristi for the comment and the witnessing! Have you read Katherine Morgan Schaffler's The Perfectionist's Guide To Losing Control? Such a smart, wise, compassionate book. She talks about the difference being maladaptive perfectionism and healthy perfectionism and how to cultivate the latter.
Thank you. It is wonderful to find comrades on this journey. I look forward to reading!
Human beings. Not human doings. Story of my life . And my new “project “ is more being. But of course, it’s a project! Something to do! i thought for a long time it proved worthiness. But now I think it might honestly be the way I demonstrate superiority. (Which of course demonstrates a fear of inferiority or insecurity.) So now, at 70, I am considering my need to feel superior. When i slow down and get away from so much striving and producing, especially when I get out in nature, my whole system reboots and I tend to soften and not need to be the smarty pants! 🤣 It might have made for a more joyful life to have given that up years ago. But we all have our destiny. And here I am. Happy to “ be here now”, as Ram Dass would say. Thanks for the stories! They resonate like birdsong.
Alecia, how lovely to meet you! Welcome! Thank you for sharing your own experience of the struggle to ‘be’ rather than ‘do.’ I think awareness is half the battle. And as for the feeling that one is learning a lesson later in life, perhaps a season for everything? That knowledge comes to us when we’re ready and open to it. I celebrate that I am a lifelong learner, seeker, explorer. As I see you are, too. Thank you kindly for the birdsong compliment; nothing sweeter than that💗
The subtitle of this piece alone... here's to the slower and gentler parts. thank you Amy...
Yes, less doing and more being! Loved this post.
Oh, I can relate to so much of this, Amy. Especially the idea of the self-imposed expectations or deadlines. I can so easily put all kinds of pressure on myself to get a "task" done - and when I step away from it and take a breath, I see that I am the only one who really is catastrophizing over it being left undone. It's maddening sometimes!
Also - that idea of a trust fall with oneself. Like if I let all the balls fall today, can I be ok with that? It's something I am consciously trying to lean into. I appreciate your beautiful articulation of all of this!
Have you read the book, All the Gold Stars: Reimagining Ambition and All the Ways We Strive by Rainesford Stauffer? It looks at how the cultural, personal, and societal expectations around ambition are causing extreme burnout and the role that plays when it comes to our individual self-worth, productivity, limiting our imaginations, and causing us to feel alone, etc. There's a lot of overlap there with what you write about so eloquently here.
I resonate so much with what you wrote here, Amy, and our experiences are just so uncannily similar, down to the part about being a breadwinner through the entirety of my marriage.
I'm rejoicing and cheering for you that you are scaling down the Supersized productivity in you. I read what Marie commented above and think that it is a fine distinction between normal productivity and hyperproductivity. I wish to add that the intention behind "doing" makes all the difference. We cannot live without doing, otherwise we'll become perpetual couch potatoes, but when we do things based on alignment with our soul and integrity in the moment, as you described so beautifully in this essay, then it makes all the difference in our experience of the doing. We no longer "do" because of a hidden agenda, such as to please others in order to get acceptance, connection, and validation of our goodness. We "do" because we truly desire to and enjoy the process of doing.
As Rick Ruben suggests in his book "The Creative Act," lower the stake of art creation and consider the process "playing." I think if we could apply that concept to how we "do life" or "live life," we can experience the abundance of it in the space of play.
As I read your essay, I couldn't help but ponder about the origin of my hyperproductivity trait, and I think part of it came from my parents' modeling. Because they escaped poverty and were determined to move up the social ladder with the opportunity they got after migration, they instilled the spirit of diligence and productivity in me. Besides, it's very much considered a virtue in my culture. When you grow up in such an environment, you never question how this approach to life could create imbalance as we get older. For me, it took many rounds of burnout and health crises to understand what hyperproductivity did to me, and how leaning into my "enoughness" can help from the root level.
This morning, I just read Mark Nepo's entry that you quoted and I thought of mentioning it, but you already included it here. Yay!
I resonated with so much of this. Thanks for putting so beautifully in writing this drive for productivity as an expression of wanting acceptance and love, and the actionable advice you give to challenge that. One way I’ve been trying to slow down and reduce expectations on myself lately is by practicing gratitude, which helps me stay present and recognize that I am already loved, I don’t need to do more to be loved.
Thank you for this beautiful and thoughtful comment, Marielle. Gratitude practice is a very powerful way to access an appreciation for the moment we are enjoying right now and for the people in our lives that we love, and to get to the purest essence of whatever we are doing. I am shifting my thinking around writing work I do which isn't the writing I am passionate about but which affords me the opportunity to do so much of what I love, which is to travel, to take stimulating courses for my inner growth, and much more. So I can practice gratitude that way, too. And I am very grateful for you and your sister, every day.
Dear Amy, in my life I have been restless when not consciously occupied with things to do: to advance in student/employed/creative life; to be useful to my family; to meet inbuilt expectations planted by my family/social history. There is a place, easily achieved, where one can give up being in thrall to these things and be, for a short time, completely non-responsible to self and others--when receiving (in my case) a rigorous Thai Massage for 90 minutes, which I have, weekly. In the right circumstances and with the right practitioner, one can be as a babe again, totally receiving and no expectation of giving. And, this helps keep the joints and tissues from locking up too soon...
What a wise and wonderful comment, Ron! And we think alike, because just yesterday I had a wonderful 90 minute massage. After years of not taking the time for massages, I have now subscribed for monthly massages. This is a delicious way to slow down. I aspire to being less in thrall to expectations, my own and those of others. I aspire to be more like you!
Awww, shucks, Ma'am...
Dear Amy, I turned 66 this year and have been a caregiver for my true love for the past 10 years as he moves into the later stages of Lewy, body dementia, and Parkinson’s. I think I have always had high expectations of myself and others, reading your blog, which was difficult for me Was a gentle reminder to live in The now I struggle, and perhaps even disagree with the equation that productivity = less self love. I write this for a few reasons. Getting things done is a form of occupational therapy that can nourish the soul when things are off kilter it reminds you of what you are capable of. Doing for others is another tool to distract the mind from less healthy thoughts. Being helpful which is in my world the highest form of selflessness can be so affirming and generate new relationships and self-love. So I will continue to muddle along this path of trying to do it all and live in the moment. I think they are flip sides of the same coin and have value either way you look at it. It depends where you are standing or sitting or lying. Have a wonderful leap year February.
Marie, thank you for taking the time to comment. First, my heart goes out to you in the care you have given to your true love and I witness the love and responsibility involved in that caregiving. I see your point about productivity and I think that is why, later in this essay, I use the term "hyperproductivity" because there is a distinction and one I now think I did not make carefully enough. I think productivity is essential and healthy, as you say, getting things done can be a form of therapy and feel very satisfying to the soul. So I did not mean to negate the value of being helpful--only to always be watchful for when we are out of balance in helping others so much that we do not help ourselves. As an Enneagram 2 personality, The Helper or Giver, I have to watch for this. I will honor obligations to others before I honor the ones to myself and that can be a slippery slope. As for the productivity, I think it is along the lines of what I responded to Kristi below, on perfectionism. There is maladaptive productivity, where it is out of balance with the other parts of our identity and we are constantly chasing the next thing to be done and, in my case, distracting myself often from the harder parts of life or the challenges I don't want to face. When I get hyperproductive, that's always a sign for me to look inwards and take time to ask my inner child, what do you need that you're not getting as I rush a mile a minute to check off my to-do list? Here's to both muddling along this path. I think having the awareness is the most important thing.
So related to this. The perfectionist who had to get good grades, who was the first to go to college, who kept it all together, whose worthiness was tied to accomplishment. You’re beginning to learn what I am learning—that I’m enough just as I am.
Thanks Kristi for the comment and the witnessing! Have you read Katherine Morgan Schaffler's The Perfectionist's Guide To Losing Control? Such a smart, wise, compassionate book. She talks about the difference being maladaptive perfectionism and healthy perfectionism and how to cultivate the latter.
Sounds like a book I definitely need to check out. Thank you for the recommendation!