I've been struggling with this question for months, my divorce now officially 15 months behind me. Dating in 2024 is worlds away from 1988. I'm trying to crack the code.
I’m a lil late to the (dating) pool party. But hi. 👋🏻
After getting out of long term marriages & fighting our way to freedom, determining the balance we want to strike between single independence and the comfort of companionship can be a process.
My divorce/dating story:
I pulled the plug on my long dying marriage in 2020. I began dating rather quickly-in 2021. About a year later.
At first, I dated without intention or focus (this first relationship out of my marriage was a disaster, but also so healing. Go figure).
After that, I got on the apps. (I had met my first guy in my sober community). I was a bit familiar with the dating apps because toward the end of my marriage, out of a desperate attempt to “stay married,” we experimented with an open marriage. Also a disaster. But I learned so much: about myself, about men, about the dating apps.
In 2022, I was heartbroken and lonely but had determined the things I wanted out of a partner-and knew I wanted one. I made lists. List of what I wanted. List of what I needed. This is an important distinction. And saved me time and heartache (for example,,I didn’t want a long distance relationship again and so never entertained men who messaged me from more than an hour away).
I was rather dedicated to dating, giving a lot of my free time to editing my profiles on several different apps (I used several at once. Been on most of them), messaging, talking for hours on the phone (after awhile I learned not to do that-I’d meet them after a short call). Also. Profile writing and editing. Waste of time. With rare exception, men don’t read profiles. I put my effort into my photos. And screening. (I still wrote some excellent profiles, if I do say so myself. I’m a writer at heart).
I got pretty good at honing my screening process.
My process: only consider men who messaged me. Ignore the just likes. Have a few message exchanges. If one went well, then a phone call. Use phone number to do a Been Verified screening. For about $30 /month, it was worth its weight in gold. If ok, Then a coffee or walk meet up. Or a free museum. Not a date. Coffees and walks are low time and money invested and and were just to:
~See if they were healthy
~were they even remotely what they presented in their profile?
~was I attracted to them?
~did they seem basically kind? To me, to a server, coffee barista, to strangers?
~Did I feel safe with them?
~did we both want to see each other again ?
If that went well, then a real date.
I may have broken my own rule on this occasionally and accepted dinner offers, but I advise against that, ha.
Ack. I could go on and on
TLDR: if you ever get serious about finding a partner or a lover, it’s a lot of time and energy. Though clearly finding a lover may take less time and energy than finding a long term partner, but not necessarily. I tried a few Friends with Benefits situations. I couldn’t do it without my feelings getting involved. Wasn’t for me.
After about 6 months of dating off the apps, and several brief relationships later (plus the first doozy out of the gate-watch out for the heartbreak after the divorce. I think a lot of us think we’ve healed from the long term marriage only to find that when we first get our hearts broken again, a lot of residual grief comes up), I met a man, on Tinder, yup, whose been a phenomenal match for me.
People whine a lot about how awful dating apps are, but there are a lot of benefits. Especially if you are kind of serious about it. There is so much we can filter and learn about our potential dates and partners, eventually finding a diamond in the haystack.
Please know that I did a LOT of work on myself before dating, during dating and have continued my work since I got into my current relationship almost two years ago.
I got sober. Went to therapy. Still do.. Read. Followed a lot of relationship, attachment and dating accounts and therapists on Instagram, and Worked hard on my love addiction and codependence. I still have to work at these.
You seem to be doing great with your own love story, Amy, and that is truly a joy to witness, but should you ever consider dating via the apps or in general, feel free to reach out. I have stories to tell. 😊
Rosemary, what a generous and helpful and encouraging response, worth its own weight in gold. Would love to have that conversation with you once I am back from my European travels. Thanks! And so glad you have found a new partner that makes you happy. You give me hope.😀💗
I really enjoyed reading your account here. I hope today's dating world is navigable and fun. I'm lucky to still be with my blind date from 1986 (pre-internet and mobile phones, when actual handwritten letters were forwarded from a PO Box). Really hoping it isn't as scary as it first seems. Good luck, Amy.
Thanks for stopping in & lending me some encouragement Wendy but I am still hoping for an 80s era fixup or blind date or meet-cute doing something I love💗 it helps to be a romantic and an optimist 😀
I love this, Amy. My 28-year marriage died in 2020 and the idea of being able to trust anyone again was far-fetched. I feel like I cheated the system, however, when my high school boyfriend showed up on the scene with perfect timing and a track record for being trustworthy. We've been dating for four years post my divorce. The most important thing I've discovered is how much I've learned about myself in these four years -- not because of him, but because of my perspective. Thanks for your vulnerability!
Cheers to the high school boyfriend showing up in your life at just the right time. That warms my heart. And really powerful to hear how your growth has been won by you on your own terms, not via a partner. Given how I’ve been on that road, too, I know my next partnership will benefit so much.
I enjoyed reading this because I did try dating for a hot minute at 66. Not that long ago.
I did a dating app and I found it so archaic because I did one that seem to be geared toward younger people and one that was geared for people after 50
They were both so completely different in every way. The questions that were asked, and the assumptions about men and women, gender sexuality. The older was more of a black-and-white, kind of either or scenario for the younger population. It was radically different. I can’t even tell you.
I never responded to any requests and canceled my subscription after a weekend.
Sometimes I feel like I could be happy by myself for the rest of my life and other times I love the idea of having a partner. We’ll see.
Can’t imagine being in relationship for as long as you were congratulations
Thank you Prajna for sharing your experience with dating; those apps! Definitely a strange experience. I can also relate to your reflection on the seesaw of being happy on one’s own & then the longing for another. Trying to stay open to everything.
Great article, Amy. It's like we're debriefing your adventures and learning how to navigate with you. Love Eileen's 'Pool Purgatory' comment! I gave up on dating apps because, let's face it, I can't even plan, and messaging became more of a chore than natural chat! BUT it's surprising who you meet - when you least expect it to happen. There are moments I've felt terrible and had very real conversations..WITH a mask on even! Carer and mask usually repels 90% of people.
So, I love your attitude, dear Amy...be open and smile - your warm smile is beautiful...It's surprising how much difference purposefully smiling makes...hello a lovely unexpected free coffee AND number ;-)
A warm smile and a lovely unexpected coffee? I'll take it, Victoria! Thank you for chiming in here on the dating/ not dating question. And I'm so sorry to hear that carer/mask repel 90% of people--when it should prompt respect and empathy.
Thanks, Amy. The anonymity is freeing in some ways.
Maybe social experiment time ? - whenever you're out smile for a heartbeat longer at different people...could be a whole new article series—not something you'd do on the London underground! :-) but coffee shops and walking about?!
I like the challenge. It brings a smile to my face! And since I am about to take off on a couple of months of travel in Europe, perfect time for smiling/flirting at strangers:-)
Ohhhh How about 'A European Tour of Smiles'? Adventures of a Divorcee around Europe ;-) Safe travels my friend, I look forward to reading about the smiles and adventures. xo
That was what I said out loud when I read the title of your post, LOL. I could have been more eloquent but so many people have already written everything I might have said. However it is so helpful to read what others (and you) have written because I often feel it’s ‘just me’. So thank you for sharing and for opening up the conversation. 😊
Thanks Elle; it’s tough out there dating later in life but you are right, this conversation has given me so much food for thought. I will come back here when I want to feel encouraged (and wised up) about dating.😀
Anna, thank you so much for this comment and sharing your story. First, I am so sorry for what you endured in the abusive relationship. That makes me even happier for you in finding your perfect match; his qualities are lovely. It was brave of you to get out there and I do get the specific preferences we develop as we get older. Mine is certainly very long and specific too. That you were willing to see beyond the ‘goofiness’ to the man within is inspiring to me, a not to be so invested in our initial responses. After we are complex and nuanced women—why wouldn’t a man be?
After years of picking the wrong partners and an abusive relationship of five years that nearly cost me my life, I found my now partner and father of my child 3,5 years ago, at 39, through an online platform. What I found annoying and exhausting in the dating process was that the older we get, it seems that we get more and more stuck with what we like and dislike, our passions, people we can't stand, topics we could talk about for hours, and topics we don't give a crap about. As time passes, the boxes a partner needs to tick become very specific. I found it extremely hard to find a match. I met so many guys I thought were boring or freaks. And then, out of nowhere, I found the perfect one. At first, he was not even my type until I found out he was goofy yet intelligent, confident yet empathetic, generous yet good with money, liberal-minded and cosmopolitan but happy to live in the quiet countryside. I consider myself very lucky.
This is a fabulous post. When a friend asked me a year ago why someone who seemed as happy as me would be using dating apps, I replied it was because I’d felt myself shutting down on the possibility of dating, and I didn’t like that feeling. It felt like hopelessness rather than acceptance or delight. I wanted to make sure to stay open to the opportunity of dating, when and if it ever arrived. I also said that although I’ve been on close to zero inspiring dates in recent years, the apps and the dates were teaching me a lot about myself, and were allowing me to practice dormant skills. Like recognising or determining what I want. Setting boundaries. Spotting narcissism. Shrugging off the manipulations of strangers. And simply being comfortable on a date. That said, lately I find myself no longer shutting down on dating itself but definitely shutting the dating apps. There’s something unhealthy about the way they encourage a kind of shallow comparison mechanism. Whenever I find myself dismissing several profiles in a row, I stop and put the app away. I don’t want to be ‘that person’ looking for a reason to make a quick rejection. No more so than I would want to be dismissed myself. Sorry for the ramble but thank you for providing an opportunity to share some thoughts!
I love these thoughts, Deborah, and am so glad you shared your perspective. I feel the same way: that since I am pretty happy on my own, I’ve really got nothing to lose as I get to come home to myself & she’s a peach. And if I do venture out on a date, reviving dormant skills & learning boundaries and what I do and don’t want are really excellent outcomes of ‘getting out there.’ Also can see getting sucked into the shallowness of surface rejections of profiles. Thank you for inspiring me.
I loved this post! This, “Maybe the answer, for me, is somewhere between the starfish and the octopus who wants to wrap her many limbs around another warm body. “ I found my second husband when I least expected it and was absolutely not looking and he’s is a dream come true ❤️
It seems that women do the research, assess their wants and needs, carefully craft online bios, while men post a bathroom selfie with a bare minimum of info and wait for results. Not all men, certainly, but the majority I encountered felt like I was offering free therapy for their recent divorce. Doing your own thing and keeping your heart open sounds like a better plan than pool party purgatory.
Pool party purgatory! Love it, Eileen😀and I absolutely know what you mean about the selfies from men; I could do a whole separate essay on that alone. And definitely no, no, no to offering free therapy to divorced men. Not dipping my toes in just yet with online dating seems more & more sane.
I think it's a powerful realization that you can and will live a fulfilling life whether or not you end up with a partner. I was going to share the original meaning of spinster but Kirsten already shared it. I enjoy being a spinster after leaving my ex.
I remember feeling lonely and time (youthfulness) running out 3 years after my first divorce (I consider my recent separation a sort of divorce even though we weren't officially married.) I met this ex on a dating app and everything seemed too good to be true. Indeed it was. Having lived through hell with him, I decided I'm done with men. I have vowed to join the 4B movement originating from Korea--no sex with men, no dating, no marrying, no childbirth. To live outside of the male gaze from which we women get validation of our self worth is immensely liberating!
Louisa, thank you for sharing this powerful reflection. I understand how living outside the male gaze can be so liberating. I see how far you have come through miles of hurt to this understanding. It takes courage.
So loved reading this entry, and can relate to much of what you write. I came to a similar conclusion as you did some years ago. My philosophy is to enjoy this amazing life, and the opportunities it presents, to the fullest regardless of my relationship status. On a nearly daily basis I witness people in couplehood who seem completely miserable proving the belief 1+1=happiness is simply an illusion. That's not to say I wouldn't appreciate sharing my life with a special someone should our paths cross. But there's no way I'm going to let it be a deal breaker for achieving happiness and meaning. ❤️
I've been living with Håkan for 37 years now and if I were single again I can honestly say there is no way that I would ever want to live with a man again. Håkan & I traveled together in the early days, we raised our kid together, we worked together, and now we're retired together. But while I don't regret much in my life with him, learning to live with a man has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn. I was single and independent until I was around 37 years old. I dated, sure. But I enjoyed making my own decisions. The compromises one has to make when living with someone else? Never again!
If I were once again single, I would spend more time with my female friends (who I neglect quite a lot these days). I would be saying yes to more activities (as long as they don't involve sitting on the ground).
Hanging out with male friends is also important - I like men - but I want them without benefits. 😊
One last thing about single life...
If you are expecting to make single life a "great, big, beautiful, expansive life", all the time, you will be disappointed - because it won't be. Not because it's a single life pr a paired life but because it's just life. It doesn't matter if one is part of just a couple, or a family with 8 kids or single. Life will always have it's good moments and it's bad moments and all one can do is live it as best one can.
Hilarie, thanks for this thoughtful comment. What I mean by my ‘big, beautiful, expansive life’ is that I will live that way regardless of my paired or single status. If someone wants to one day step into my light, that would be lovely. But no man, no one at all, will ever have the power to dim my light—now that I am older and so much wiser😀
That singles mixer at the pool sounds like my personal version of hell. Except with clothing. I like the way this piece winds its way back to you. I have no idea if it is true at this stage of life, but I have found when I am most myself and doing what I love I am at my most happy , and attractive to others. I know this because I have found friends that way, and partners. But I have also attracted people who like to squash and control that light, so I understand the fear about your own judgement and worry you will fall into old patterns. A wise friend who single mommed when I did said, “ I want someone to complement my life, not complicate it.” For now that may be you! You sound like a great person to date- count yourself fortunate to be in such good company and show her a really really good time.
Emily! I love this heartfelt and kind comment snd appreciate your wisdom and agree about our attractiveness when we live in an authentic way, unabashedly ourselves. I am getting so much better at dismissing self judgement. One of the glorious aspects of getting older.
I’m a lil late to the (dating) pool party. But hi. 👋🏻
After getting out of long term marriages & fighting our way to freedom, determining the balance we want to strike between single independence and the comfort of companionship can be a process.
My divorce/dating story:
I pulled the plug on my long dying marriage in 2020. I began dating rather quickly-in 2021. About a year later.
At first, I dated without intention or focus (this first relationship out of my marriage was a disaster, but also so healing. Go figure).
After that, I got on the apps. (I had met my first guy in my sober community). I was a bit familiar with the dating apps because toward the end of my marriage, out of a desperate attempt to “stay married,” we experimented with an open marriage. Also a disaster. But I learned so much: about myself, about men, about the dating apps.
In 2022, I was heartbroken and lonely but had determined the things I wanted out of a partner-and knew I wanted one. I made lists. List of what I wanted. List of what I needed. This is an important distinction. And saved me time and heartache (for example,,I didn’t want a long distance relationship again and so never entertained men who messaged me from more than an hour away).
I was rather dedicated to dating, giving a lot of my free time to editing my profiles on several different apps (I used several at once. Been on most of them), messaging, talking for hours on the phone (after awhile I learned not to do that-I’d meet them after a short call). Also. Profile writing and editing. Waste of time. With rare exception, men don’t read profiles. I put my effort into my photos. And screening. (I still wrote some excellent profiles, if I do say so myself. I’m a writer at heart).
I got pretty good at honing my screening process.
My process: only consider men who messaged me. Ignore the just likes. Have a few message exchanges. If one went well, then a phone call. Use phone number to do a Been Verified screening. For about $30 /month, it was worth its weight in gold. If ok, Then a coffee or walk meet up. Or a free museum. Not a date. Coffees and walks are low time and money invested and and were just to:
~See if they were healthy
~were they even remotely what they presented in their profile?
~was I attracted to them?
~did they seem basically kind? To me, to a server, coffee barista, to strangers?
~Did I feel safe with them?
~did we both want to see each other again ?
If that went well, then a real date.
I may have broken my own rule on this occasionally and accepted dinner offers, but I advise against that, ha.
Ack. I could go on and on
TLDR: if you ever get serious about finding a partner or a lover, it’s a lot of time and energy. Though clearly finding a lover may take less time and energy than finding a long term partner, but not necessarily. I tried a few Friends with Benefits situations. I couldn’t do it without my feelings getting involved. Wasn’t for me.
After about 6 months of dating off the apps, and several brief relationships later (plus the first doozy out of the gate-watch out for the heartbreak after the divorce. I think a lot of us think we’ve healed from the long term marriage only to find that when we first get our hearts broken again, a lot of residual grief comes up), I met a man, on Tinder, yup, whose been a phenomenal match for me.
People whine a lot about how awful dating apps are, but there are a lot of benefits. Especially if you are kind of serious about it. There is so much we can filter and learn about our potential dates and partners, eventually finding a diamond in the haystack.
Please know that I did a LOT of work on myself before dating, during dating and have continued my work since I got into my current relationship almost two years ago.
I got sober. Went to therapy. Still do.. Read. Followed a lot of relationship, attachment and dating accounts and therapists on Instagram, and Worked hard on my love addiction and codependence. I still have to work at these.
You seem to be doing great with your own love story, Amy, and that is truly a joy to witness, but should you ever consider dating via the apps or in general, feel free to reach out. I have stories to tell. 😊
Rosemary, what a generous and helpful and encouraging response, worth its own weight in gold. Would love to have that conversation with you once I am back from my European travels. Thanks! And so glad you have found a new partner that makes you happy. You give me hope.😀💗
You're so welcome, Amy. Wishing you continued safe and happy travels.
I really enjoyed reading your account here. I hope today's dating world is navigable and fun. I'm lucky to still be with my blind date from 1986 (pre-internet and mobile phones, when actual handwritten letters were forwarded from a PO Box). Really hoping it isn't as scary as it first seems. Good luck, Amy.
Thanks for stopping in & lending me some encouragement Wendy but I am still hoping for an 80s era fixup or blind date or meet-cute doing something I love💗 it helps to be a romantic and an optimist 😀
Absolutely, Amy! I think modern apps are missing a trick. Handwritten letters, personal introductions, shared interests all the way!
I am seeing a comeback in real life dating, among all generations, a weariness with the apps. Let’s hope so!
I love this, Amy. My 28-year marriage died in 2020 and the idea of being able to trust anyone again was far-fetched. I feel like I cheated the system, however, when my high school boyfriend showed up on the scene with perfect timing and a track record for being trustworthy. We've been dating for four years post my divorce. The most important thing I've discovered is how much I've learned about myself in these four years -- not because of him, but because of my perspective. Thanks for your vulnerability!
Cheers to the high school boyfriend showing up in your life at just the right time. That warms my heart. And really powerful to hear how your growth has been won by you on your own terms, not via a partner. Given how I’ve been on that road, too, I know my next partnership will benefit so much.
Hi Amy
I enjoyed reading this because I did try dating for a hot minute at 66. Not that long ago.
I did a dating app and I found it so archaic because I did one that seem to be geared toward younger people and one that was geared for people after 50
They were both so completely different in every way. The questions that were asked, and the assumptions about men and women, gender sexuality. The older was more of a black-and-white, kind of either or scenario for the younger population. It was radically different. I can’t even tell you.
I never responded to any requests and canceled my subscription after a weekend.
Sometimes I feel like I could be happy by myself for the rest of my life and other times I love the idea of having a partner. We’ll see.
Can’t imagine being in relationship for as long as you were congratulations
Thank you Prajna for sharing your experience with dating; those apps! Definitely a strange experience. I can also relate to your reflection on the seesaw of being happy on one’s own & then the longing for another. Trying to stay open to everything.
Exactly 💚💥🧡
Great article, Amy. It's like we're debriefing your adventures and learning how to navigate with you. Love Eileen's 'Pool Purgatory' comment! I gave up on dating apps because, let's face it, I can't even plan, and messaging became more of a chore than natural chat! BUT it's surprising who you meet - when you least expect it to happen. There are moments I've felt terrible and had very real conversations..WITH a mask on even! Carer and mask usually repels 90% of people.
So, I love your attitude, dear Amy...be open and smile - your warm smile is beautiful...It's surprising how much difference purposefully smiling makes...hello a lovely unexpected free coffee AND number ;-)
A warm smile and a lovely unexpected coffee? I'll take it, Victoria! Thank you for chiming in here on the dating/ not dating question. And I'm so sorry to hear that carer/mask repel 90% of people--when it should prompt respect and empathy.
Thanks, Amy. The anonymity is freeing in some ways.
Maybe social experiment time ? - whenever you're out smile for a heartbeat longer at different people...could be a whole new article series—not something you'd do on the London underground! :-) but coffee shops and walking about?!
I like the challenge. It brings a smile to my face! And since I am about to take off on a couple of months of travel in Europe, perfect time for smiling/flirting at strangers:-)
Ohhhh How about 'A European Tour of Smiles'? Adventures of a Divorcee around Europe ;-) Safe travels my friend, I look forward to reading about the smiles and adventures. xo
Love it!!
Hell no.
That’s short & succinct!
That was what I said out loud when I read the title of your post, LOL. I could have been more eloquent but so many people have already written everything I might have said. However it is so helpful to read what others (and you) have written because I often feel it’s ‘just me’. So thank you for sharing and for opening up the conversation. 😊
Thanks Elle; it’s tough out there dating later in life but you are right, this conversation has given me so much food for thought. I will come back here when I want to feel encouraged (and wised up) about dating.😀
Anna, thank you so much for this comment and sharing your story. First, I am so sorry for what you endured in the abusive relationship. That makes me even happier for you in finding your perfect match; his qualities are lovely. It was brave of you to get out there and I do get the specific preferences we develop as we get older. Mine is certainly very long and specific too. That you were willing to see beyond the ‘goofiness’ to the man within is inspiring to me, a not to be so invested in our initial responses. After we are complex and nuanced women—why wouldn’t a man be?
After years of picking the wrong partners and an abusive relationship of five years that nearly cost me my life, I found my now partner and father of my child 3,5 years ago, at 39, through an online platform. What I found annoying and exhausting in the dating process was that the older we get, it seems that we get more and more stuck with what we like and dislike, our passions, people we can't stand, topics we could talk about for hours, and topics we don't give a crap about. As time passes, the boxes a partner needs to tick become very specific. I found it extremely hard to find a match. I met so many guys I thought were boring or freaks. And then, out of nowhere, I found the perfect one. At first, he was not even my type until I found out he was goofy yet intelligent, confident yet empathetic, generous yet good with money, liberal-minded and cosmopolitan but happy to live in the quiet countryside. I consider myself very lucky.
This is a fabulous post. When a friend asked me a year ago why someone who seemed as happy as me would be using dating apps, I replied it was because I’d felt myself shutting down on the possibility of dating, and I didn’t like that feeling. It felt like hopelessness rather than acceptance or delight. I wanted to make sure to stay open to the opportunity of dating, when and if it ever arrived. I also said that although I’ve been on close to zero inspiring dates in recent years, the apps and the dates were teaching me a lot about myself, and were allowing me to practice dormant skills. Like recognising or determining what I want. Setting boundaries. Spotting narcissism. Shrugging off the manipulations of strangers. And simply being comfortable on a date. That said, lately I find myself no longer shutting down on dating itself but definitely shutting the dating apps. There’s something unhealthy about the way they encourage a kind of shallow comparison mechanism. Whenever I find myself dismissing several profiles in a row, I stop and put the app away. I don’t want to be ‘that person’ looking for a reason to make a quick rejection. No more so than I would want to be dismissed myself. Sorry for the ramble but thank you for providing an opportunity to share some thoughts!
I love these thoughts, Deborah, and am so glad you shared your perspective. I feel the same way: that since I am pretty happy on my own, I’ve really got nothing to lose as I get to come home to myself & she’s a peach. And if I do venture out on a date, reviving dormant skills & learning boundaries and what I do and don’t want are really excellent outcomes of ‘getting out there.’ Also can see getting sucked into the shallowness of surface rejections of profiles. Thank you for inspiring me.
I loved this post! This, “Maybe the answer, for me, is somewhere between the starfish and the octopus who wants to wrap her many limbs around another warm body. “ I found my second husband when I least expected it and was absolutely not looking and he’s is a dream come true ❤️
Ah I love stories like this Jocelyn. They give the stubborn romantic in me some hope.
Yes!! It was meant to!❤️❤️❤️
It seems that women do the research, assess their wants and needs, carefully craft online bios, while men post a bathroom selfie with a bare minimum of info and wait for results. Not all men, certainly, but the majority I encountered felt like I was offering free therapy for their recent divorce. Doing your own thing and keeping your heart open sounds like a better plan than pool party purgatory.
Oh eww yes - why is there always a toilet in the background!🤣
Pool party purgatory! Love it, Eileen😀and I absolutely know what you mean about the selfies from men; I could do a whole separate essay on that alone. And definitely no, no, no to offering free therapy to divorced men. Not dipping my toes in just yet with online dating seems more & more sane.
I think it's a powerful realization that you can and will live a fulfilling life whether or not you end up with a partner. I was going to share the original meaning of spinster but Kirsten already shared it. I enjoy being a spinster after leaving my ex.
I remember feeling lonely and time (youthfulness) running out 3 years after my first divorce (I consider my recent separation a sort of divorce even though we weren't officially married.) I met this ex on a dating app and everything seemed too good to be true. Indeed it was. Having lived through hell with him, I decided I'm done with men. I have vowed to join the 4B movement originating from Korea--no sex with men, no dating, no marrying, no childbirth. To live outside of the male gaze from which we women get validation of our self worth is immensely liberating!
Louisa, thank you for sharing this powerful reflection. I understand how living outside the male gaze can be so liberating. I see how far you have come through miles of hurt to this understanding. It takes courage.
So loved reading this entry, and can relate to much of what you write. I came to a similar conclusion as you did some years ago. My philosophy is to enjoy this amazing life, and the opportunities it presents, to the fullest regardless of my relationship status. On a nearly daily basis I witness people in couplehood who seem completely miserable proving the belief 1+1=happiness is simply an illusion. That's not to say I wouldn't appreciate sharing my life with a special someone should our paths cross. But there's no way I'm going to let it be a deal breaker for achieving happiness and meaning. ❤️
Ah, great minds & big hearts think alike, dear friend! Can’t wait for your fine company for friendship dates in just a week!
Dearest Amy
I've been living with Håkan for 37 years now and if I were single again I can honestly say there is no way that I would ever want to live with a man again. Håkan & I traveled together in the early days, we raised our kid together, we worked together, and now we're retired together. But while I don't regret much in my life with him, learning to live with a man has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to learn. I was single and independent until I was around 37 years old. I dated, sure. But I enjoyed making my own decisions. The compromises one has to make when living with someone else? Never again!
If I were once again single, I would spend more time with my female friends (who I neglect quite a lot these days). I would be saying yes to more activities (as long as they don't involve sitting on the ground).
Hanging out with male friends is also important - I like men - but I want them without benefits. 😊
One last thing about single life...
If you are expecting to make single life a "great, big, beautiful, expansive life", all the time, you will be disappointed - because it won't be. Not because it's a single life pr a paired life but because it's just life. It doesn't matter if one is part of just a couple, or a family with 8 kids or single. Life will always have it's good moments and it's bad moments and all one can do is live it as best one can.
Can't wait to see you in August.
/Hilarie
Hilarie, thanks for this thoughtful comment. What I mean by my ‘big, beautiful, expansive life’ is that I will live that way regardless of my paired or single status. If someone wants to one day step into my light, that would be lovely. But no man, no one at all, will ever have the power to dim my light—now that I am older and so much wiser😀
That singles mixer at the pool sounds like my personal version of hell. Except with clothing. I like the way this piece winds its way back to you. I have no idea if it is true at this stage of life, but I have found when I am most myself and doing what I love I am at my most happy , and attractive to others. I know this because I have found friends that way, and partners. But I have also attracted people who like to squash and control that light, so I understand the fear about your own judgement and worry you will fall into old patterns. A wise friend who single mommed when I did said, “ I want someone to complement my life, not complicate it.” For now that may be you! You sound like a great person to date- count yourself fortunate to be in such good company and show her a really really good time.
Emily! I love this heartfelt and kind comment snd appreciate your wisdom and agree about our attractiveness when we live in an authentic way, unabashedly ourselves. I am getting so much better at dismissing self judgement. One of the glorious aspects of getting older.
Wonderful, delightful to read, thanks for sharing your thoughts…
Thank you Steve!