Divorce doesn't necessarily have to mean losing the family you married into but I've discovered there are a few foundational elements to keep those connections close.
Amy, I was drawn to this post perhaps because I'm in the midst of a "break-up" of my own right now. Not a romantic one, but with a longtime friend. It's too soon to say if things are broken beyond repair, but I find myself already pondering (and grieving) its ripple effects. I commend you for handling these relationships in your life with such care even and especially when things were hard. And that poem you shared, "Bride" --wow, it really stopped me in my tracks. What an empowering tribute to self-love.
Beth, thanks for subscribing and reading. I so appreciate you being here! Break-ups with friends can be so, so hard. I've had a couple of those in my life as well and my women friendships are so important to me that these "break-ups"have been wrenching. I hope that you can find your way through this difficult period to some clarity and acceptance. What I've learned time and time again is all I can do is show up with my full heart and be bravely honest--and that as much as I wish otherwise, I have no control over how the other person will respond. That can be such a hard reality. Glad, too, that "Bride" floored you as much as it did me. Maggie Smith is such a talent.
Thanks, Amy. It is so hard. Showing up honestly and (sadly) accepting I can't control the other person's response is exactly where I'm at right now. Friendship pain really does run so deep. I don't think it is talked about enough.
This is a testament to two very special people and their families; congratulations to you both to making this side of things work. Still work in progress, here. Thanks for sharing Amy 🧡
Thank you Sigrid, for seeing what our intentional work has resulted in....i know how even with the best intentions it can often not work out as we’d like.
I initiated my divorce and my ex's family wanted nothing to do with me. I was the evil one, much like his first wife. Yes, I see the pattern. But what really hurt was losing friends as they sided with him when he spread untruthful items about me. It took years to finally learn about all the lies people believed. But if they thought so little of me, I didn't need them in my life.
Ah, Nancy, I am so sorry you had that experience. I have heard too often that can be the case and I get how much it hurt to lose friends who believed lies about you. But as you say, they couldn't have been true friends if they thought so little of you and you were right to want to move on from them. If we're lucky (and wise) we grow stronger from the pain of these experiences.
I love that poem by Maggie Smith and find it empowring. Marrying oneself is a topic that has called my attention over and over in the past year or so, and each time it comes onto my radar, I relish going deeper into the concept and practice.
Regarding the "in-laws" after divorce, I believe that it is rare and precious that you have been able to create such an amicable space with yours. It speaks to the strong connections that you contributed your energy and heart to over the decades. It is where you can say "nothing is wasted" really. It's also a wonderful gift from your in-laws to understand and support your decision of a divorce.
I never enjoyed a deep relationship with my in-laws while married. In fact, looking back at all my romantic relationships, whether marriage or long partnerships, I never have been able to forge the kind of connections that you described. I think in this regard I have been quite unlucky. My ex-husband's mother is a narcissist and so is he and my own mother. Well, imagine the dynamics! No wonder I was ill at ease with any sort of family gatherings. It involved navgiating among huge egos and accommodating to their whims. I wasn't emotionally mature enough to do that.
Thank you Louisa for this thoughtful comment, for venturing with me into this concept of marriage to oneself (the poet David Whyte calls the marriage to self The Third Marriage, after marriage to work and relationships with others). I will be exploring this more in future newsletters. Thank you for witnessing the work I put into building the relationships with my "sisters-in-love," my ex's family. I wish you could have enjoyed the same. Having to navigate around so many narcissists is really impossible to forge any type of close relationship, and few of us would have the skills to do so. Holding compassion for you in those circumstances.
I'm excited about the subject of marrying to the self, Amy. Look forward to reading your upcoming newsletters on it.
Yes, due to my own unlucky experience, I appreciate witnessing the positive familial relationships that you have forged and experienced. Perhaps if I am lucky enough to be reborn as a human I might have a chance to experience something similar. But it would be close to impossible to experience it in this lifetime. I'll just have to accept that. Thank you for holding compassion for me in difficult circumstances. Being married to myself helps a great deal in such situations.
I resonate very much with this maintenance of family ties to "wasband's" < my preferred term for former husband, courtesy of Megan Wells. I'm grateful our marriage ended amicably and his family understood my perspective. Much of the behavior/choices which broke the marriage they'd experienced from him too. I also learned a lot about how I wanted to show up & things I wanted to change about how I interacted in relationships.
June 2022, I was invited and attended my wasband's 3rd wedding. It was beautiful! And his entire family was so welcoming! As were several mutual friends. I was/am eternally grateful D invited me. His brother said to me, "we've always loved you and always will."
As for being one's own bride, I "married" myself at a regional Burning Man event called Figment summer 2011. It was deeply meaningful. Each bride (or groom) was invited to choose a ring (to keep) and write their own vows spoken to oneself in front of a mirror while witnessed by an adoring celebrant. The experience always stats with me, especially as a 56 year old woman who often chooses "singlehood" and has taken herself to 30 countries solo. I love to take myself to dinners and events. This is all to say, being one's bride is powerful!
Love that term "wasband," and happy that you have been able to maintain those ties and even attend wasband's wedding #3. Of course they love you and always will. You are my dear friend Kristin, such a light in the world! I simply love that you married yourself at a regional Burning Man event. Choosing singlehood as you have, all the solo traveling--it is incredibly inspiring to me. I have been some deep work in that space, about to embark with the help of a coach on finding that inner spark including "dating myself" before I venture into dating anyone else. It's high time I romanced this woman who is the one I meet in the mirror more than any other human, whose soul is and will always be the one closest to me.
Amy, I was drawn to this post perhaps because I'm in the midst of a "break-up" of my own right now. Not a romantic one, but with a longtime friend. It's too soon to say if things are broken beyond repair, but I find myself already pondering (and grieving) its ripple effects. I commend you for handling these relationships in your life with such care even and especially when things were hard. And that poem you shared, "Bride" --wow, it really stopped me in my tracks. What an empowering tribute to self-love.
Thankful for all you shared here.
Beth, thanks for subscribing and reading. I so appreciate you being here! Break-ups with friends can be so, so hard. I've had a couple of those in my life as well and my women friendships are so important to me that these "break-ups"have been wrenching. I hope that you can find your way through this difficult period to some clarity and acceptance. What I've learned time and time again is all I can do is show up with my full heart and be bravely honest--and that as much as I wish otherwise, I have no control over how the other person will respond. That can be such a hard reality. Glad, too, that "Bride" floored you as much as it did me. Maggie Smith is such a talent.
Thanks, Amy. It is so hard. Showing up honestly and (sadly) accepting I can't control the other person's response is exactly where I'm at right now. Friendship pain really does run so deep. I don't think it is talked about enough.
This is a testament to two very special people and their families; congratulations to you both to making this side of things work. Still work in progress, here. Thanks for sharing Amy 🧡
Thank you Sigrid, for seeing what our intentional work has resulted in....i know how even with the best intentions it can often not work out as we’d like.
I initiated my divorce and my ex's family wanted nothing to do with me. I was the evil one, much like his first wife. Yes, I see the pattern. But what really hurt was losing friends as they sided with him when he spread untruthful items about me. It took years to finally learn about all the lies people believed. But if they thought so little of me, I didn't need them in my life.
Ah, Nancy, I am so sorry you had that experience. I have heard too often that can be the case and I get how much it hurt to lose friends who believed lies about you. But as you say, they couldn't have been true friends if they thought so little of you and you were right to want to move on from them. If we're lucky (and wise) we grow stronger from the pain of these experiences.
I love that poem by Maggie Smith and find it empowring. Marrying oneself is a topic that has called my attention over and over in the past year or so, and each time it comes onto my radar, I relish going deeper into the concept and practice.
Regarding the "in-laws" after divorce, I believe that it is rare and precious that you have been able to create such an amicable space with yours. It speaks to the strong connections that you contributed your energy and heart to over the decades. It is where you can say "nothing is wasted" really. It's also a wonderful gift from your in-laws to understand and support your decision of a divorce.
I never enjoyed a deep relationship with my in-laws while married. In fact, looking back at all my romantic relationships, whether marriage or long partnerships, I never have been able to forge the kind of connections that you described. I think in this regard I have been quite unlucky. My ex-husband's mother is a narcissist and so is he and my own mother. Well, imagine the dynamics! No wonder I was ill at ease with any sort of family gatherings. It involved navgiating among huge egos and accommodating to their whims. I wasn't emotionally mature enough to do that.
Thank you Louisa for this thoughtful comment, for venturing with me into this concept of marriage to oneself (the poet David Whyte calls the marriage to self The Third Marriage, after marriage to work and relationships with others). I will be exploring this more in future newsletters. Thank you for witnessing the work I put into building the relationships with my "sisters-in-love," my ex's family. I wish you could have enjoyed the same. Having to navigate around so many narcissists is really impossible to forge any type of close relationship, and few of us would have the skills to do so. Holding compassion for you in those circumstances.
And now you’re reminding me to read more David Whyte ...
Yes! He’s wonderful!
I'm excited about the subject of marrying to the self, Amy. Look forward to reading your upcoming newsletters on it.
Yes, due to my own unlucky experience, I appreciate witnessing the positive familial relationships that you have forged and experienced. Perhaps if I am lucky enough to be reborn as a human I might have a chance to experience something similar. But it would be close to impossible to experience it in this lifetime. I'll just have to accept that. Thank you for holding compassion for me in difficult circumstances. Being married to myself helps a great deal in such situations.
I resonate very much with this maintenance of family ties to "wasband's" < my preferred term for former husband, courtesy of Megan Wells. I'm grateful our marriage ended amicably and his family understood my perspective. Much of the behavior/choices which broke the marriage they'd experienced from him too. I also learned a lot about how I wanted to show up & things I wanted to change about how I interacted in relationships.
June 2022, I was invited and attended my wasband's 3rd wedding. It was beautiful! And his entire family was so welcoming! As were several mutual friends. I was/am eternally grateful D invited me. His brother said to me, "we've always loved you and always will."
As for being one's own bride, I "married" myself at a regional Burning Man event called Figment summer 2011. It was deeply meaningful. Each bride (or groom) was invited to choose a ring (to keep) and write their own vows spoken to oneself in front of a mirror while witnessed by an adoring celebrant. The experience always stats with me, especially as a 56 year old woman who often chooses "singlehood" and has taken herself to 30 countries solo. I love to take myself to dinners and events. This is all to say, being one's bride is powerful!
Love that term "wasband," and happy that you have been able to maintain those ties and even attend wasband's wedding #3. Of course they love you and always will. You are my dear friend Kristin, such a light in the world! I simply love that you married yourself at a regional Burning Man event. Choosing singlehood as you have, all the solo traveling--it is incredibly inspiring to me. I have been some deep work in that space, about to embark with the help of a coach on finding that inner spark including "dating myself" before I venture into dating anyone else. It's high time I romanced this woman who is the one I meet in the mirror more than any other human, whose soul is and will always be the one closest to me.
Yes yes, to "romance the woman I meet in the mirror"♡♡♡♡♡♡
PS. If any additional Narrative Practices might be helpful around that, happy to do a trade with you ...
Seriously, bless you Amy🙏👍❤️